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Hi! I'm Maggie. I'm having lap band surgery January 10th. This has been a year long "pre-surgery" journey for me leading up to the surgery with disappointing insurance requirement changes and hoops to jump through, but its all a part of the journey. "Is that a Fat Joke?" is what I've named my blog. I often make fat jokes/comments about myself, especially at work. Co-workers will always say, oh stop! My response is always, "it's ok, I know I'm fat- it's not a big secret to anyone". Kind of hard to hide 300+ lbs! Through this journey I hope to obviously not only take control of my health, my body, the physical number on the scale, but also to gain control of dealing with why I feed my emotions with food. This surgery is afterall just a tool, certainly not a fix-all, fix-quick solution. Although I like to make people laugh, today I am making the committment to STOP hiding behind "the fat jokes"........So this skinny girl walks into a bar. I'll keep working on my material!

Happy New Year to the new me. My surgery is scheduled for Thursday morning and I am excited yet petrified. I begin my pre-op liquid diet tomorrow, so my eating in 2012 will never again be what it has been. What it has been, if I take a realistic and reflective view of things, is awful. I have been big my whole life and the teasing began on the first day of kindergarten. How is it that kids can be so cruel? By the time I hit age 8, I was depressed and compulsively overate to deal with my poor self-esteem. My family shopped at the military commissary, so we always had a value-sized 10 gallon tub of cream ice (not to be confused with ice cream - that love affair came later) and I would routinely sneak scoops of it. Eating in secret became a specialty. My brother and sister would sell Krispy Kreme doughnuts as fundraisers for their extracurriculars, and of course my family had to have a dozen. Somehow the doughnuts would magically disappear - at my hands, sneak eating behind the pantry door. I distinctly remember even using my fingernail to scrape off and eat the extra glazed topping that had stuck to the container. And whatever happened to that whole loaf of bread? By the time I became a latch-key kid in seventh grade, I had perfected the art of NEVER eating in front of people. I was also twelve years old and spending miserable days shopping in the women's department for frumpy sacks to cover my form. In eighth grade, I was wearing my mother's shirts until grunge hit the scene and I learned I could easily hide behind stringy, greasy hair, flannel shirts, and my dad's combat boots. I even sought validation from an abusive boyfriend, which only led to more out of control binge eating and the beginnings of my venture into self-mutilation. I was hurting and didn't know how to express it. I would eat to the point of nausea and beg God for the will to vomit. He never answered that prayer, thankfully, as I have an extreme fear of vomiting stemming from a bout of stomach flu when I was about six years old. Life continued and so did the compulsive overeating and self-mutilating. When I finally realized the stem of my behaviors in my senior year of high school, I sat down with a pack of Chips Ahoy and ate the entire thing in one sitting. That was the last time I binge ate. The following Autumn I was finally diagnosed with moderate depression, medicated, and began the long uphill battle toward fixing my mental state. Three years of therapy and medication and several failed attempts at surviving in the work force later, I became a dental assistant for the husband of my father's boss. I loved what I was doing and felt I did it well, so I went to school to become certified and registered. My boss even offered to pay for my schooling, but it was important to me to do it on my own so I struck a deal that he could reimburse me if I made straight As. I did, and he was good to his word. Now, it may seem like things were all better by then, but they weren't. I was still making unwise choices, both with food and in life. I did what is called "self-sabotage," which means that when I would see myself being successful, I would intentionally do something to muck it up. Consequently, I lost three separate assisting jobs because of my own personal issues. I got a new job at a pediatric office and vowed to myself I would work harder, but in the grand scheme of things I wasn't satisfied with where I was in life. I felt like I had wasted time - nearly six years - trying to make myself better. I knew I wanted more. So I decided to go back to school. I picked a very small Bible college where two friends who also had depression and food issues were attending successfully. This proved to be a great decision for me, because every day I had people praying for me. I even had a professor who advocated for me when my medication (I put myself back on anti-depressants as a precaution) had the opposite of its intended effects. Through making new friends who accepted me for who I was and working hard, I got to a point where I was feeling pretty good about me. The very last time I self-mutilated was Christmas Eve 2004, but I still wasn't at the right place mentally. My epiphany came the following summer. I realized while working on a research paper for my Humanity, Sin, and Salvation class that depression had been a part of me for most of my life. Rather than continuing to fight against it, I needed to learn to work with it. That summer, that class, that paper changed my life. I can now say, on the eve of 2012, that I live a satisfied life without medication, mutilation, or binging and am about to embark on a journey to repair the physical effects of years of depression (combined with genetics and a love affair with two men named Ben and Jerry). I worked really hard to get my mental self healthy and happy. It took years, but has been well worth it. I now have not just my BS, but also an MAEd and teach at a great special needs school in Kuwait. My life has taken me on a journey halfway around the world and it is amazing. I look back and know that everything has brought me to where I am now, here listening to the call to prayer on the last night of 2011 thinking about my future and how much brighter it is going to be because of everything I have experienced and will experience. I know that my LapBand will be a journey and will take time, too, but I am glad that I am mentally ready for the struggles that are to come. I have an awesome support team in place - most specifically my parents and several friends, including a bander - who are cheering me on for every step of the way. Tonight I am treating myself to steak l'entrecote and tomorrow I begin my first of four pre-op liquid diet days. Never again will my life be the same. I can't wait to see what possibilities are in store for me.

I have read a lot of the blogs and am wondering if I am doing things wrong because I have not stalled yet. I am 18 days post op and am still losing weight average about 1 to 2 lbs a day. What is wrong with me or the diet that I have not stalled? I weighted 341 when I started this journey, before surgery I lost about 14lbs just by changing how long it took to eat my meals. They didn't tell to diet before surgery just thought I better get in the habit of eating slower. Since my surgery I have gone from 337 to 305 another 32lbs down. I am trying to do all the right things but am having trouble getting all the protein in. I have been using shots of protein to make up for what I am not getting in the shakes. Could this be the cause of NOT stalling I wonder. I was told I could have soft purred foods at 2 weeks but they don't seem to light my new stomach at all. The food just lies there like a lump making me want to throw up. I have found that if I eat just 1 meal (an egg) and 2 shakes a day I feel much better. Is this wrong? I don't know. I don;t see much difference in my body shape, but I need a rope to keep my pants up lol. I did however manage to get into a size 26 pant compared to my 28's the other day, "Yeah" and my shirts are a bit loser so I guess that is a good sign. My health was the reason for taking this journey. I was and still am in bad shape. The best news ever was the fact that I no longer have to take insulin shots everyday and my blood sugars are in the normal range again ( low 100's ). I am still concerned that I have not been able to swallow any pills yet, as I do have meds that I should be taking. My blood pressure and moods have not yet improved much, but that is because I can't take those pills yet. Oh well step by step day by day with Jesus is all I can hope for right now. So much for my boo who;s today. May God bless and Keep us all healthy and continuing to lose in the New Year.

I can hardly believe it, I am only 9 pounds from goal now! I am six months and 13 days post op, and have lost a total of 99 pounds! (I need to update my weight loss ticker!) I almost broke my husband's ear drums this morning when I got on the scale. He was in the shower and I came into the bathroom to step on the scale before I got dressed and fixed breakfast. When I saw that I had lost three pounds this week, I let out a yell that scared him to death and almost broke his eardrums! He told me he thought someone was attacking me! I have been so gratified lately to see that I now fit perfectly into a size 8! My size goal was a 10 or 12, so when I hit Size 8 I almost lost it completely! ANd now my 8s are getting big on me! Hurray!!! I told my sister that I am going to have to find thinner friends and realtives. I have been giving my clothes to her and to one really good friend as they get to big for me. Have given away 9 or 10 pair of jeans that were hardly worn, as I changed sizes so quickly. And now am getting close to being a size 6! WooHoo! How Sweet it is!!!

"We don't do hand-holding" said the voice on the other side of the phone. Tough-love is not my thing. I have been tough-loved and tough-loved myself into this mess... ...or at least tough-love is what they called it. Why can't it just be love? What's wrong with hand holding? If someone held my hand maybe I could learn that hands aren't just for eating with. I know I should have faith in myself, inner strength and all that jazz... but why should I always do everything by myself. Why can't I reach out and ask for support and encouragement. I know I can do this. I can physically stop eating. I can get myself to the doctor. to the hospital. onto the OR table...... ... but what's so wrong with asking someone to hold my hand?

I still can't believe I finally got my lapband! It's pretty surreal, but the pain I'm experiencing today reassures me it really happened lol. I've been lucky enough to have very supportive parents and boyfriend here taking care of me since I got home though. I cannot express how excited I am about where this new journey will take me. I have been overweight since I was 6 & can't even imagine what it'll be like to finally feel "normal" with regards to my weight. I'm so happy that I found LapBandTalk, I don't personally know anyone else who has had this procedure & have decided to only tell a select few close to me so I love that I can come online and find support from so many great people who know exactly what I am going through! I had my surgery yesterday around 230pm and was out the door by 5pm (Really quick!). The pain medicine has been helping a lot. My incisions haven't caused me much pain, but the gas that they use for surgery is horrible. I try to walk as much as I can to get it out of my body but my shoulder begins to hurt pretty quick. I slept sitting up on my couch last night because the pain. I'm hoping I will be able to sleep in my bed again In a day or two. My diet post-op has mostly consisted of protein shakes, soup, and popsicles. I haven't been very hungry which is making this liquid diet easy so far, I just hope it stays this way! lol. Good luck to all of us on our new lives!

Today has been a very blessed day so far. I think God plants little gifts in my life along the way, so that when I stumble upon one of them, I gain hope and encouragement. My thankful list for today is: The sun is out My parents and sister have been supporting me through this 100%. I get to eat normal-ish food. I'm going to see the new Sherlock Holmes today!! I have an amazing woman as a walking buddy. I think when we're thankful, life brightens up, and we stop thinking about ourselves and our situations. It redirects our selfishness into praise to God, and thankfulness for all He has done. I challenge you to make a list of five things you're thankful for, and spend some time praising the One who orchestrated them. Praying for all of you today. Erica

I did it! I'm finally on the other side. Surgery day was definitely the hardest. I wanted something to drink the entire day but that wasn't allowed. To keep my mouth moist I brushed my teeth and gargled water. The hospital gave me a binder and that made things so much easier. I was able to get in and out of bed with ease and walking was so much easier. My back and stomach were supported and no pain. I walked the entire night and I think that was my key to success. It awoke my bowels and I didn't have any of the horrible gas pain. The day after surgery I had my upper gi test to check for leaks. I sipped the barium. They kept trying to get me to drink more, but I knew sipping was advised. Sipping is so important and probably the most frustrating. No more gulping. I need to keep moving so I'm planning a walk with husband to get me back in the swing of things. The hunger is gone. I'm no longer starving or agonizingly hungry. I don't have the urge to stick whatever is nearby in my mouth. It's the most peculiar feeling. Wishing you all the best on your journeys.

I went to the gym today and was on the sit down bike for an hour without realizing it. I was playing Trade Nations and Words with Friends on my iphone the whole time so the time must have whizzed on by. I don't own a scale at home so only weigh myself at the gym like once a week so I don't get discouraged. It said 260!! I don't remember the last time I was that weight, had to have been in junior high when I wore a size 16. Thus far, I've lost like 40 lbs since the surgery and pre-op liquid diet. My biggest weight was 400 lbs right out of college so I joined Weight Watchers. $90 short later, I was still 400 but was addicted to their ice cream sandwiches. I slowly started losing the weight over the years by ceasing all fast food and soda so finally reached 300 but could not lose another pound. I was at my high school weight now so figured it was OK and maintained that weight somehow. Things all changed when I turned 29 and my mom died of cancer at only 52. It was so hard visiting her at Parkland hospital in Dallas. She was always 100 lbs + heavier than I but she loss 200 lbs as she lay there with a tube down her throat. I was hoping things would get better for her but her body lost the fight. I kept having images in my head of myself in her place but there was no family visiting me. I've never had a boyfriend and have only been on one date in college in my life. My weight had always been the excuse for why I couldn't have a love life like everyone else seemed to have. I was only 29 but felt my knees hurt when I walked, had sleep apnea, hypothyroidism and high blood pressure. Things were only going to get worse for me in the years to come. Right then and there I knew I had to do something, but what? A few days after my mom's death I found myself at work trying to hide my tears. I had started the job only last year so didn't want to ask for some time off. A lady named Felicia that I had been well-acquainted with came by and was looking so much slimmer. It turned out that she had had bariatric sleeve surgery back in December but bought some clothes that fit her. I had never heard about sleeve surgery but was going to get the band back when I was 24. My dad's insurance would not cover it since I was going to be 25 and off the plan the following year. Felicia told me all about the sleeve surgery and even told me her doctor's name, Wade Barker M.D. He was in our insurance's network so would be covered! I immediately searched for him and found his website, then submitted a form. A few hours later, a nice receptionist at his office called me and I made an appointment for the following Thursday for a consultation. I knew that I had made the right step towards taking control of my life instead of let my food addiction dig me an early grave. Now I am almost 1 month post-op and have lost 40 lbs. When I walk I no longer feel pain, sleep better and hope my high blood pressure will be gone when I go back for the monthly follow up appointment in January. I know now that I am on the fast track to wellness and have my whole life ahead of me. The future is finally clear with the food craving and addiction completely gone. My new addiction has been cable TV but I'm trying to force myself to be more productive with my time. (: Lots of love, Becky

So I am now 3 weeks post op and waiting on my first fill. Went to see the doctor yesterday and asked if I could accelerate the fill but I need to wait for the port to fuse is scar tissue. The concern for me is that the first two weeks were great and I even lost 10 pounds but now I am into solid foods and my appetite is coming back, which is my main issue anyway. I did very well on the liquid Optifast 800 and am contemplating staying on that until the first fill to continue to loss since I have 3 weeks to go. I have lost just under 70 pounds since I was first saw the doctor to decide to go to lap band and it is noticeable in my face and upper body that I have lost weight. I want this to be a lifestyle change so I am trying to determine how to cope with the next 3 weeks until fill #1. I know that often it takes several fills to get it right which means 2 months between each and I have set what I hope is a reasonable goal of losing 70 pounds by Christmas of 2012. I have a secondary goal to join a gym and go once I drop below 300 which would be right around next holiday season as well. For me this is as much about changing how I think about food as it is about losing weight. My spouse is in shape as is my child, but no one in my family was growing up. My spouse does not want to understand the mental hangups I have and my weight has been an issue in our marriage so I know that I have to deal with this part on my own. It makes it difficult, but I am someone who likes a challenge. I was very open with everyone who knows me about doing the lap band; I think I was to force the issue on myself that I cannot not lose weight since everyone knows that I did the surgery. The procedure was a snap, I did not need any pain pills and was back at work in several days. So far so good, just now that I am not having issues with solid foods and need to wait three weeks for the first fill I am in my first challenge phase where I have to learn how to make good decisions about food. I have done well so far and after a couple of parties I am still down 7 from surgery date so I think I will be able to weather the time, but I need to stay focused and hopefully writing this down will be helpful for me.