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Aww you guys.. here I am having my pity party and seems there are other people that feel this way. Yeah, I know I am a bit hard on myself - but I feel like I have to be. No one else is going to discipline me, if I don't. @ Aro - your words cut to my heart. I suppose women are a bit more cruel when it comes to judging but I know men do it too. I am ashamed to tell people I was a soldier... and worse if they ask "how long ago was that?". Wow. Really? @ Everyone - I thought I could have some "fat accpetance" but just can't get my mind around it. I feel like people stare at me everywhere I go. They must think, "Oh that poor girl. She is out of control". *sigh* But it is so much worse when your friends and family judge you. They remember this thin, fit girl.. then they see me. My own child thinks I am "sooo big". Ugh. I want to lose weight for her too. yes, for me, but for her too. I want to run and play with my daughter. I want to fit in the chair at the school when she has a recital. I want her to say my mom is soo pretty instead of my mom is sooo big. Food has become my enemy. I don't even like the smell of food anymore. Things that tasted good, no longer offer that console. I want the band to help me - help myself. Does that make sense? I need that extra edge to fight this war. Dieting alone is like fighting a war with a limited number of bullets.. [motivation]... once my bullets are gone, I will lose the war.