:thumbup: Well I am now out of school for the year! That is a good feeling! I NEED the rest and time to regroup :w00t:

My daughter and I are joining the community center and will be lifting some weights and I intend to do a lot more exercise. Right now I still feel kind of tired. Even though I was off yesterday I am tired. School just wears me out. I read an article this week on the Spark that was about how working overtime makes you fat. Studies done, etc.that show it. Well, well what surprise that is! But there is nothing I can do about that! I have tried to evaluate how to make it easier and it just does not happen. Also does not leave me with lots of time to work out, etc. I am exhausted at the end of every day. Can barely get home, make a meal, clean it up, walk about 25 min, grade some stuff then go to bed at midnight. Weekends I catch up. Heavens if I have to get up early on a weekend. We go to church Sat night which I hate but is good for the catching up on sleep. Some Sundays I grade papers ALL DAY LONG. Oh well, BREAK time is here! Yeah!

OK now the weight thing. I am going in Monday for my 11months. I think I have gained a couple more pounds. So I have lost maybe 35 lbs total. Have not lost a THING since November. I have to go to an open house for a family member and I have a sister in law who had a roux-en-y right before Christmas--she had lost 70 lbs. Who knows now? It is going to be HARD to look at her and not be upset. This is just not going the way I thought it would. By the time school was out I thought I would be maybe 20 lbs from goal. Well I am nowhere near that and not losing. I am struggling to not gain.... I need to lose about 65 lbs. and it is just not happening. Gosh I would like to lose 5 lbs a month?? I would get there eventually. So tired of this. I read the answer to my blog and have started just this week to eat very high protein with little or no carbs. However, I have fallen down at the end of the day a couple of times this week and had some fruit. It has been hard. Interesting that when I do this I feel really tired no matter what time of day it is and need to shut my eyes and sleep! My head starts to hurt and eyes hurt. Hmmmm.... The two days I ate so much protein I felt invigorated and good. Just ran into trouble on the other two. I did a BIG protein shake this morning adding 26g whey to 2c milk (16g) and the low sugar inst breakfast (5g). That is a whopper 47g for breakfast. I intend on having meat if I have anything else before dinner. There are some carbs there but am trying to do what was suggested to me. I think I will be able to now especially with school out. What I need to see if some RESULTS! If I start losing and I feel a lot better I will be motivated to go on. However, this is just like Atkins diet. I went on that once. Lost 13 lbs first month then like 5 then it stopped. As usual for me. But with the band, maybe this is different.

So I go in Monday to weigh (great??) and probably get yelled at again. I have no idea if I will get a fill or not. I am not going to base my life and my outlook on that darn fill and it making a difference. I have done that every month since I started this mess and it has been a severe letdown every single time. What a rollercoaster ride this is! I also am NOT going to let the negativity from those in charge at my doc's office get me down. I will NOT let them do that to me. I am trying as hard as I can. I exercise DAILY with a fast walk at 20-30 minutes, I am drinking more water than ever, I gave up any caffeine, carbonated drinks, bread when eating out(I have NONE!! when I used to limit myself anyway!), and am writing down most of the time too. What else is there to do??????? I SELDOM feel any what I would call restriction. I have just about given up on hoping the the band is going to help me to restrict and stop eating at a very small amount. I do not eat much anyway but I guess it is too much..... I have a friend online who was struggling too. She just got a fill, said she now gets stopped and almost throws up at each meal. Has lost 7 lbs this month! How great! Where oh where is that for me! I told her she would get the throwing up figured out and quit eating at the right point. That will stop. Again I have another friend who had a roux-en-y and she did that but eventually knows exactly how much to eat and has done well. She has less in her band than me. I am so happy for her but man this is HARD to take. I think I have 6 1/2 in my 9 band. How much does it take? How much will they put in? I fear that they will say--hey that is it, we aren't putting any more in, it isn't safe so now it is all up to you. And guess what? I am not getting it done....... I know my doctor is very conservative. They told me this. Which is good, they have had almost no complications with their bands. But gee this is just not doing much for me. I just do not get any help from it, very, very little. Very disappointing after 11months.... Also I am SICK SICK SICK of the way I look! I have this big fat shelf belly that is gradually growing back. UGH, UGH!! I wanted to just look better this summer. UGH. So disappointing. I think my body has been on a diet so so so long it just adjusts to whatever level I am at. All thyroids been checked, are OK, I am not diabetic, had that test. I just suck!

Well this is long, it is nice to have time to get it all out. Please don't read this if you want encouragement because it ain't here. This is just a place to POUR it out. I am gearing up now to go in Monday and getting in my ZEN place so I do not get upset when they tell me I am a failure... I just keep repeating "zen, zen, zen....." I will keep trying to exercise, eat lots of protein, not drink diet coke which I still love and MISS after a YEAR of not having it. Like it is doing any good.

Maybe the next fill will work.....ha. Do you believe this? I still have that little hope in there that I will finally get this.....later.

Boy, I'm so sorry this has been such a struggle for you. It sounds like your docs office isn't very supportive...'yell' at you....tell you you're 'a failure'??? Seriously?? I'd be yelling back. I've been here long enough to know that some need there bands alomost or completely full before they get to restriction...and if they refuse to give you more I'd ask them for a fill with contrast to check for a leak! Your docs job is to help you to get restriction...that's why you got the band...if that's not happening it's not your fault! Hang in there and know that you have rights as a patient...there's no reason if you're paying attention to your stomach/restriction and exercising that this shouldn't work for you. Keep us posted! -BG

:thumbup: I appreciate your encouraging comments. I am really pouring it out on my blog. It just helps for me to get this all out!! I will see what happens as I go in this week. IF I get another fill it will not be much but I just keep hoping each month it will be enough...thanks, thanks for the kind words. Looks like you are doing really well! Keep it up now!