If you’ve read any of my rantings, then you know that I’m nothing if not blunt and honest about my ‘LB journey’…I’m a sharer and I appreciate the ‘real’ story here from others. You’ll also notice that I’m far from perfect (I’m never going to be one of those inspirational bandster’s, so run now if you’re looking for that) and I don’t ‘selectively share’…I share anything, especially my shortcomings (so sooner or later you’re going to find out something about me you won’t like…please be forgiving...the check is in the mail) mainly because I’m here to learn something, especially about myself and my changing relationship with food.

I’ve had NO restriction in my 0 fill band since day 9 post-op, and let’s see, that was May 1, so almost a month ago now. I’ve been honest about slowly testing my band and now being able to eat anything…and then testing some more without chewing any more than normal (well, except that bagel that I should have chewed), but I’ve still lost some weight every week.

Like I’ve told you, I’m a professional dieter…put me on Atkin’s and the weight drops off. I’ve gotten this new attitude about my LB diet this week though. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m putting it together (welcome to my rambling mind…it’s going to be a bumpy ride…apply seasick patches NOW)

…part of it is I promised myself this would NOT be another diet, since I gain back more on diets…I promised myself (and it’s my doc’s philosophy too) that NOTHING would be off limits (OK, maybe bagels). It’s a lifestyle change and I need to stick to the LB rules, but if I eat something high calorie once in awhile then I’m supposed to eat a small amount and cut back on something else…as long as I’m getting my daily protein and water goals it’s fine…so I’ve been thinking…is ‘Bandster Hell’ part really part of my LB journey? I don’t have any restriction so it’s like I have no LB yet. Do I really need to starve myself on another diet and lose big weight until I get restriction back? Hmmm. If I lose a lot maybe my doc won’t give me the amount of fills I need because he’ll think I’m doing fine without it. Am I just rationalizing this? I’ve been pondering this and I think I unconsciously haven’t been trying to diet very hard…at least as compared to all the diets I've been on.

I’ve been so busy this week and eating some bad foods over the holiday weekend that I didn’t bother to track my foods/calories (besides the fact that it would have taken me forever to setup al the new/bad foods into FitDay). I drank wine, ate; dips, pizza, sandwiches, etc. I didn’t always follow the ‘protein first’ rule and I didn’t measure everything. I wasn’t a total pig, but like I said, I wasn’t trying very hard.

Our April Bunny group has weigh-in’s every Friday (Hef’s rules, man he’s so strict with us Bunnies). After my pig out from Memorial Day Weekend I wasn’t surprised to see I’d gained 2 pounds by Tuesday…what surprised me was to see that I wasn’t upset like I would have been on a diet. I know many people gain during Bandster Hell and I just figured I needed to get back on track and try a little harder not to gain. I paid a little more attention the three remaining days of this week, but like I said, it was a busy week and I wasn’t tracking anything.

I got on the scale for Hef this morning…I’d lost 1.5 lbs. this week…DID YOU HEAR ME?!! I LOST weight!!! I got on and off three times just to check it! Chuck what they all say about the Band being a 'just a tool'…it’s MAGIC, MAGIC I TELL YOU!

I was so stunned I sat down and thought back over my choices and amounts of food and I realized that I hadn’t really pigged out as much as I thought I had. In fact, if I had only kept track this week I think I’d be surprised at how little of even those bad foods I actually had. Then I started to wonder why…I don’t have restriction, I’ve been hungry, I don’t have to chew…WHY?

I realized it’s certainly not my stomach because I could binge out now if I wanted to…it’s really my mind that’s started to change…I’m paying way more attention to when I’m full and stopping then, and again there’s no restriction, I’m just realizing that I used to eat way past the full point…I’m used to eating until I’m stuffed and then some. I’m also starting to notice when it’s just head hunger, I am making mostly better choices…and when I do eat something bad, I’m not always letting myself totally binge out on it…sure I’ll continue to slip up …those old feelings are still there and probably always will be, but I’m learning at least sometimes to control them better. Where once I couldn’t have stopped with 1 or 2 of something, now I am (at least most of the time). Amazing…I’m losing weight just by using my head and even with no LB tool I haven’t been starving!

If I’d been only eating tiny portions of only good foods this week and feeling deprived and starved there’s no way I would or could have worked on any of this ‘head stuff’…I’d be back in just ‘diet mode’. I’ve realized by eating more normally this week and not treating this like another diet that I’ve been able to work more on my relationship with food and all the stuff I need to work on with my mind. The restriction will come with time, and sure I’ll probably gain weight some weeks before then and even after…I’m just in awe with the fact that even without my band as a tool yet it’s still working it’s magic on my mind. I’ve got a long way to go, and I’m realizing everyone takes a different journey…

…and I’m just slower than some.

AWESOME POST!!!! This really helps me overcome some of the fear I have of being in a lifelong diet.....THANK YOU!!

I second that, JazzyMom!

BG, thank you for being such a gifted writer and sharing it with us.

Barbara

I enjoyed your post, keep writing!

Once again, you put into words what a lot of us will be thinking. You Rock Band Groupie!

Beautifully said I couldn't agree with you more! I love reading your posts please keep them coming!

My Stats: April 21, 2009 banded as of this morning down 41 lbs.

Good for you, sweetie!! Rock on!

Thanks guys! ...and I thought no one would understand :-)

Great blog...hits home to all I think! I have been reading a few post of people expressing guilt about what they've eaten and the common thread seems to be way too much guilt over eating something much smaller than in the pre-band old days. Like the topping off a piece of pizza compared to eating a whole pizza back in the day!! Maybe I should post a survey to see how many of us will admit to having eaten a whole pizza!! LOL!

I look forward to reading your blog - you sound like my kind of person.

Ditto to all the comments on your blog!! You do have a way with words!! I have been a diet of some kind all my adult life and I don't know if it's my age( a YOUNG 56 ) but all those diets have gotten me no where but on my way to 250 pds!! And I'm only 5'2"!! I was always searching for the " perfect " diet!! And it was always the next best diet that would finally work for me! In recent years, everyone has been talking about lifestyle changes and that's the perfect solution! We have to get our heads fixed first before we can fix the rest of us!! It's like building a house ( my husband was a carpenter ) if you don't do the ground work and get a good foundation, everything will fall down! It all starts with the way we are thinking in our heads!! I have learned to take one day at a time!! Keep up the good work, you do inspire the rest of us!!

Well said DB...the foundation is important! Xavier, I've never eaten a whole pizza, but only because that's not my thing, now..junk food and chocolate, I've got a long list; a whole bag of cookies, chips, big bag of M&M's, a can of Pringles in a hearbeat, I could go on and on! I think I ate most of the batter for brownies once...*hangs head in shame*.

Yep I have to keep from laughing sometimes at the 'I ate a cookie...should I call my doctor now?!' threads. I remind myself that it's all relative and that must be a lot for that person (they must have never been a binge eater ). Obviously I'm not one of them as I'm posting about being super pleased that I 'only ate 2 small pieces of pizza' LOL...maybe someday I'll be thinking one cookie is a huge deal...wouldn't that be something! One small step at a time...