This weekend was all about yard work and more yard work. I can hardly move this morning and my arms look like I ran them over a rake…scratches everywhere. We’re trying to get ready to mulch next weekend. There was so much work to be done…mainly because we were lazy last year and didn’t mulch so the weeds and erosion took over. I have way more landscaping/beds than I’d really want here just because of the hills in Pittsburgh…if it’s too steep to mow then you landscape it. Our yard is mainly flat in the back but it drops off to one side steeply, enough to make a walk-out basement so there’s a huge bed both front and back going down that really we never see or enjoy, but have to weed. Then I have my flower beds and my herb garden around the little pond/waterfall I made. By last night I was exhausted. At 5pm we called it quits and I ran to the shower to hopefully wash off the poison ivy sap that surprised us under one of the bushes.

By then I was tired and starving. I made the mistake of eating a slider for lunch…I had a little of Lena’s (voiceomt2002) cream-of-mushroom soup (super yummy BTW) left over from my post-op phase and that’s what I had. DH decided to take a pork tenderloin and cook it on the grill for the first time. This wasn’t just any tenderloin…he bought a 9 pound one! We figured out that it would take about an hour on the grill and that we’d be eating later than usual. DD’s BF was over for the day, so I played the hostess and got out chips and dips…Tostito’s scoops with salsa and some spinach dip. I tried to resist but I decided to test my band (zero fill, and no restriction) with a chip or two. I was actually hoping those hard chips would get stuck, no such luck…they went down fine, then a few more and whether I chewed them well or not they went down. I couldn’t eat the salsa as I’d put hot peppers in it and I don’t do spicy foods. Yep, I went for the creamy calorie rich spinach dip and found that went down with no problem either. I found quickly found myself heading into ‘binge mode’ where I couldn’t stop shoveling them in. If you’ve ever had this feeling it’s like someone else controlling you…I could have eaten my kids at that point (kidding). I took the stuff outside for the guys to eat by the grill and headed inside. When the grilling was almost over I went to fetch the chips and dip to clean up for dinner. By now it was about 7pm and I found myself shoveling in the little bit of spinach dip that was left. I couldn’t eat half my dinner and not because I felt any restriction, but because I ate too much already. I guess the good news is that normally I would have eaten at least twice as many chips/dip and I haven't gained or lost any weight in the last week.

I’ve made a conscious decision that I’m not going to beat myself up for any slips I have along the way in this WL journey. I’ve had enough of feeling bad about myself, my body image and my relationship with food. For me this journey is not another diet (I’ve been successful at so many) that I’ll gain the weight back from. It’s about feeling good about the lifestyle changes I do make and learning positive things from my slips along the way. Last night taught me that no restriction for me means it’s not really even like a funnel. I’ve tested my band and I can eat normally. I know all the dangers of slippage and other complications, yet I let the hunger demon win. I’ve learned that I need to not let myself get that hungry and a healthy snack would have helped…how simple would that have been to get out a few low fat peel cheeses. I’ve learned that the ‘binge mode’ is a strong force in me still and I have to find ways to deal with it and stop it when it kicks in. Even though last night wasn’t head hunger, but real hunger, I felt the battle in my head with willpower and I know I have a lot of head work left to do with my relationship with food. Bandster Hell is a hard time indeed, but in a way it’s a good period for us to deal with our food issues before the gift of restriction comes to help us. If we can only start changing our habits and relationship with food at this time of no restriction, then we should be even more successful when the Band is working with us. One of the major reasons I chose the Band is because it’s still all up to us and we have to slowly make the lifestyle changes along the way to be successful with it. I know myself and chosing another WLS that does some of the work for me would have been an invitation for me not to do the real work I need to to make these lifestyle changes. Changing my relationship with food is as important to me as losing the weight is, and the Band forces you to do this. I know these lifestyle changes aren’t going to happen overnight so I’m taking each lesson as it comes.

Love those signs, BG. Yeah, you just wait for your fills and try to maintain healthy eating as best you can. Even fills don't mean perfection, they just provide a little more restraint on the volume. After all, ice cream slides right past the stoma, but it's bad for you. Doesn't matter how many fills you get, the methyl-ethyl-bad-stuff can still be shoveled in and swallowed. I'm still locking DH's massive carb binges like Oreos and monkey bread in the pantry only he and Dante have the key to open, and I'm definitely in my Sweet Spot at last. I can still open my mouth and swallow those treats!

Exactly, you can eat around any WLS, some more easily than others (the Band), so it's important to come to grips with my food issues as I go along. I'm sure there'll be many more slips along the way...even if I reach goal. My goal is to have food become a more normal part of my life and that doesn't mean never eating another bad food/sweet...skinny people eat sweets too...just in tiny infrequent amounts. Wish I had a locking pantry!

Honey, an ugly hasp and padlock is better than unhealthy fat on the hips, right? Heck, even a locking toolbox would work as long as the food was locked away from me.

I know another WLS person who ran a long bike chain through the handles of all her kitchen cabinets and gave her DH the key. She had to get out what she'd cook with the night before, right after dishes, and then her DH locked all the "naughty stuff" cabinets up tight. She had one cabinet designated for her "safe" snacks during the day. Her DH was a cop, so he had a very flexible schedule. He could eat from the "naughty" cabinet then lock it all up again.

This was my "desperate measures" trick just before surgery.

BG,

I just got back from visiting 2 girlfriends up on Balboa Island, its close to Newport Beach and Irvine. Well, I just want you to know, I fell into the exact situation! Right down to the spinach dip. My other downfall was white wine. We are at a beach house and the sun is shining and its just the girls, no husbands. Well, I got back home and got on the dreaded scale, and I gained 2 lbs in 2 days. So, like you I am reminded of amount of food I still can eat, hopeing I didn't screw up my band with such binge. My 1st. fill is Friday!

I couldn't wait to read your blog, and was a little relived to hear that I am not alone in this.

Barbara

Barbara...LOL...I had white wine too!!! Let's keep reminding ourselves this isn't another diet!! Nothing is off limits, we just have to learn to make better choices and less of the bad ones...a little restriction would help, huh?!

A girls weekend sounds great!