Venting......
I need to be a little lighter on myself. But as usual I am beating myself up for what's wrong with my life.
So, no referral faxing yet....and even though is shouldve happened last week. Maybe this week it will happen.
So, Ive been thinking about how being overweight has held me back in so many ways....
No husband at 35 and I cant help but think now that because I never felt worthy..(being fat) that I never opened myself up to expecting or expecting someone to fall for me.
I'm tired of sharing my bed with someone who doesnt desire more from me, and hold me up to sociey's standards of beauty and not being fat. Tired of being judges downward because I ate and what the eating has caused. Feeling less than because society says that I am.
I held myself back socially because I didnt want to be compared to women of a lesser size. People think that I am really outgoing but that is all a front.
I have a great smile and that is what I have hid behind all of my dating or lack of dating life. I have found myself going after men who were either not available or not "ready" to commit even a courtship with me. I hate myself for dragging out those relatonships that were doomed from the start.
Being told all of your life that you have a beautiful face and being sufficed by that alone. It is getting old hearing that.
And because I diabetic and high BP, I feel that I have unintentionally sabotaged myself, as I turned to food and overeating every time.
As I lay alone in my bed at night, I wonder what if anything I would do differently if I had a real chance at life, I would not hold myself back and try new things.
Poeple who have lost the weight that held them back , not only look differently but tell tales of a new lease on a bad life....
I pray that I get this surgery because I feel that its my turn...before I get too old for babies, love and a healthy life.:glare:
I want so much to be in love with myself, and yet, I cant because I know that I havent given myself a real chance at happiness.
Sorry, If I am depressing anyone reading this...just venting...
So tired are my tears...:thumbup:
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