I need to be a little lighter on myself. But as usual I am beating myself up for what's wrong with my life.

So, no referral faxing yet....and even though is shouldve happened last week. Maybe this week it will happen.

So, Ive been thinking about how being overweight has held me back in so many ways....

No husband at 35 and I cant help but think now that because I never felt worthy..(being fat) that I never opened myself up to expecting or expecting someone to fall for me.

I'm tired of sharing my bed with someone who doesnt desire more from me, and hold me up to sociey's standards of beauty and not being fat. Tired of being judges downward because I ate and what the eating has caused. Feeling less than because society says that I am.

I held myself back socially because I didnt want to be compared to women of a lesser size. People think that I am really outgoing but that is all a front.

I have a great smile and that is what I have hid behind all of my dating or lack of dating life. I have found myself going after men who were either not available or not "ready" to commit even a courtship with me. I hate myself for dragging out those relatonships that were doomed from the start.

Being told all of your life that you have a beautiful face and being sufficed by that alone. It is getting old hearing that.

And because I diabetic and high BP, I feel that I have unintentionally sabotaged myself, as I turned to food and overeating every time.

As I lay alone in my bed at night, I wonder what if anything I would do differently if I had a real chance at life, I would not hold myself back and try new things.

Poeple who have lost the weight that held them back , not only look differently but tell tales of a new lease on a bad life....

I pray that I get this surgery because I feel that its my turn...before I get too old for babies, love and a healthy life.:glare:

I want so much to be in love with myself, and yet, I cant because I know that I havent given myself a real chance at happiness.

Sorry, If I am depressing anyone reading this...just venting...

So tired are my tears...:smile:

You sure have a lot of insight into your own mind...you're going to do great because of it! Cali

I can't say that I totally understand every aspect of your feelings, but continue to believe in yourself and the life you wan't. If I were you, whatever I felt that would make my life better and more complete I wouldn't stop at it until I get there. I haven't created a tell all about myself, but I guess I will soon. I was really over weight in high school and most of college. I lost some of the weight but not all of it. I also didn't have anyone that was really about me at that time. When I started losing weight and becoming more confident in myself thats when I really started to enjoy life and the options of men more. Neverhtless, I still have a bit to go, that is why I am a self pay now for the lapband. I don't think the process is a fix all but a tool to where I want to be. All Im saying is do whatever you have to do, whether your approved or not. Having a life you want and being happy in it is PRICELESS.

I can relate completely to all of your story. It's said that we cant just be normal people with feeling and emotions. I didnt hide behind my smile but I tried to hide in my clothes so I stuck to work out clothes and sweat pants. I played sports in high school and college so those were regular clothes for me so I thought that as long as people saw me in that, they would think about the sports I was playing and not how big I was. I just got out of relationship with my boyfriend of almost a year and I can say that he really truly loved me for me and I think he is the only one that actually loved every bit of me just the way it was. Even though the relationship didnt work out I still love him and probably always will just because of those reasons. However I think that we have to learn to love ourselves and know ourselves. I never really loved myself until I was with him he taught me that, he taught me a lot. I always thought that men were after me because of my money and that nobody was capable of loving me because I didnt see anything beautiful about myself and he made that one impossible thing about me possible. Just continue to learn that no matter what anybody says you are worth more than this world can give you and that someday there will be a person that will give you the world and more.

Later, B.

Hi NiaNikole,

I just want you to know you are not alone. I have felt like an outcast, felt alone, felt as if I was 'watching' life, rather than 'living' life.

But one thing I have learned to do is listen to that 'self-talk' that is constantly going on in my head. It is very negative at times! I would not say these things to an enemy! So I work at being far more positive in my 'self-talk.' I have even created a mantra, a short, sweet phrase, that I can repeat easily in my head when the negative self-talk tries to take over.

I might sound like a nut, but I bet you know what I'm talking about!!

Be kind to yourself. Say nice things to yourself. Build your self-esteem and build your inner strength. You are going to need this for your lap-bad!

My mantra: I am happy, healthy and strong.

It's simple, but it works.

Please stay strong and CALL for your referral. Be polite, but be firm. State your case clearly and remind them you are waiting for this referral to be faxed!

- mary

Thanks mary and everyone else....your words are what i needed!