Today is May 7th, 2009. I have my surgery scheduled for May 26th. I am excited and I am nervous.

I didn't think I would be nervous. I must do this. I am morbidly obese (eww, that sounds so damn ugly). Because of this obesity I now have issues with high blood pressure, high cholesteral, apnea, and I'm sure the list goes on.

I want to be healthy. I am 52 years old. Only in the last year, maybe closer to 2 years now, have I felt 'old.' Of course, this is the time period I gained over 100 lbs.

I have liquid dieted in the past. I know what my weight should be. I could get there, I just couldn't stay there. And I'm not talking about an unreasonable weight. I am talking about a weight where I am strong, attractive and healthy!

I want that back. I want to be strong and healthy! "Attractive" just seems to come along with that naturally (for anybody, not just me).

I'm determined to get it back. I realize this lap band procedure is a tool to help me attain my dreams.

It's cool to have dreams at age 52. (That, my friends, was a sidebar).

So why am I so nervous? I am afraid of anesthesia for one thing. I understand the complications from anesthesia rise exponentially for seriously overweight people.

Also, I am having self-doubts. What if this doesn't work for me? What if I can't play by the rules? Will I hurt myself, will I kill myself? I guess I should lighten up on this one, because I am definitely going to kill myself if I DON'T do this surgery or something equally as drastic.

Maybe I don't like telling people my business. At work I have told only my boss and said I am having surgery because of back issues. I justify this as a white lie, because my back hurts most days, but that's due to the 'morbidly obese' thang.....

What if he finds out the truth? Will I lose credibility with him? He is a young man, in his early thirties, single, meterosexual (don't ask me, that's how the others describe him)...how could he possibly understand this?

And finally, I am concerned about success. Yes, you read that correctly....success. Will I be conceited? Will I become less tolerant of people? Will I turn the other way when I see a 'morbidly obese' person, as most people turn away from me now?

God, if you read blogs, please excuse the poor grammar and the lame attempts at humor, and simply bless me and bless the hands of my surgeon.

I have a full life ahead of me. Even if I am 52! I want to have legs like Tina Turner! I want to show my grandchildren (another prayer for another day, since I don't have any right now) how to plant vegetables and help them grow and harvest them. I want to marry my boyfriend and have people think I am an attractive 'mature' bride. I want to hold and be held for an entire rainy day.

So, there you have it...the Ramblings of the (soon-to-be-formerly) Morbidly Obese Really Mary.