today i decided to actually write down what i have been through and how i've overcomed so i can see that i really, really have overcome some hard times and being overweight and getting healthy is my next hurdle to overcome.

I started supporting myself and working at 14, I was fiercly independent. Had a loving family, however, they were very strict religiously and me being the oldest of 3 girl, I was often severly punished, borderline abusive. I decided to get my own apartment with a friend of mine, had already bought my 1st car and ran away from home at 16 (actually, just left a note saying I wasn't coming back and told them where to find me if they needed me and they chose to let me stay on my own).

Was very, very wild, did everything I never was allowed to do at home. Drank, slept around, experimented with drugs....Met my 1st husband at 17, married him about a year later when I was 4 mo's pregnant. Had my darling baby boy at 18 and vowed to show him so much love he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Unfortunately, my husband started to abuse alcohol and crack cocaine and once I figured this out, it was too late. When he was high he would hit me, throw things at me, strangle me, do so many humiliating things that after trying to leave him for years I finally succeeded. Stayed in battered womens shelter with baby till i could find place of my own.

Husband continued to stalk me and anyone I dated he would beat up or intimidate them. Starting coming to my job threatening to kill me and to kill my co-workers and company got police involved and he began to chill out. Then he started again, calling me telling me he new where I lived and was going to shoot up my house or bomb it. Finally, he went to jail.

I moved home for a while, but my religious parents kicked me out of the house because I would go hang out with friends or go to the club and drink with my friends. Once they kicked me out (they kept my child, which I didn't fight at the time, because I was so tired and trampled I just wanted to worry about me for a while - which was horrible, selfish and completely unfair to my baby but I was 21 and stupid).

My life became all about drinking and going clubbing all the time, left child a lot with parents. Started to get my shit together at 22 then went to prison for a year because of drug smuggling for the Jamaican mafia (don't ask!?!) an airplane with a 100 lbs of weed (stooopid choice). I had had a job and everything but my partying and care of my son was cutting into my budget and I insanely thought I could get away with doing this outrageous act! Prison was so difficult as I was in a city where I knew no one and I DESPERATELY missed my child and was so ashamed of what I had done. I had never even had a ticket and it was such a crazy time in my life.

I got out of prison and got my child back, got on welfare, got section 8 housing. Soon I found a a job paying $7 hr it was very difficult because I tried to be honest at first on applications asking if I had ever been convicted of a felony. Then, I got a better job paying about $15 hr. I was able to get off welfare and get my own apartment no longer on public housing at 25.

Then life came crashing down around me again. The company I was working for got shut down and I stupidly started selling crack (another great decision) then I started doing it myself! How could I do this after seeing my ex-husband and so many friends become so sad and drug addicted and lose any semblance of the person they were before? Why on earth would I do that to my child after having already went to jail and stay away from him for a year? Why would I take a risk like that? I have so, so much guilt and anguish over this and to this day I apologize to my son on the regular. My only guess is that I had not yet been diagnoed with being bi-polar and I was making crazy, crazy decisions with horrible repercussions. So, eventually I was addicted and spent a year doing crack, trying to hide it from my friends and family. It was the worst year of my life. I woke up one day and prayed to God for help, I just knew I couldn't do this to my son or myself.

I quit cold turkey, and at 26 moved to new city with my child where my best friend was. She helped me greatly I love her and we are friends to this day (since high school!)

Eventually, I met a man that was a few years younger then me and got into relationship with him that was full of ups and downs, hot and cold and I was so in love with him. I had dreams of marrying him one day, unfortunately, he did not love me as much as he loved his burgeoning rap career and his record label and his groupies (imagine that!) this relationship ended abruptly after a few years, worst heart break of my life, some of the worst pain I had ever felt and ate until I got fat.

I then worked my up from a customer service position to doing sales for this .dotcom company. Eventually, I was making $50,000 a year - I thought this was sooo much money, and for me, it really was. I was finally able to really take care of me and my son the way I always wanted to.

Fast forward to 29, met love of my life, he proposed after 3 mo's and got married 3 mo's later (now getting even fatter). At 31 I decided I wanted more of a challenge and felt I could make even more money and there was really no where to grow at my job. I applied, interviewed and was hired at another .dotcom and this has been my employer for the last 3 years. I now make around $120,000 + a year. ME, I did it, I actually made a success out of my life after all of that.

I also bought my first house at 33... all this and never graduated from high school and never went to college, grew up in a poor burt loving family - beans and rice and top a ramen were normal meals.

I was also sexually molested, me and my sisters were by a family friend for years when were were young, but that is another story. I was raped several times in teens and early twenties, yet, i still moved forward.

Now 34, married almost 4 years (still in love), son is 15, raised a great, smart, loving, moral MAN and raising a lovely young 16 yr old step-daughter whom i adore. i'm loyal to my friends, and my husband. i'm smart, funny and will be pretty again once i lose 60 l bs. I CAN DO THIS! Oh, yeah and now I quit smoking which I have been trying to do since I was 17!

Sometimes you actually have to write down and look at things in your life to learn from them, let go of them and forgive yourself.

I'm so glad all of this is ANONYMOUS!

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: Proud of you!!!!:biggrin:

I appreciate your honesty. Too many people try to hide from the past instead of face it, deal with it, and move on.