Very Depressing day today.... I dont even know why. Maybe it is because I don NOT want to go to the doctors tomarrow. The last time I had a GYNO visit was HORRIBLE. LOL Probably why I havent gone in 6 years. The doc was such an arse. I have always sat up since I was 12 but nooooooooo she wanted me to lie down, then was mad cuz she couldnt see nothin and then was just a witch about it. I told her my cervix was tilted!!! Sheesh

I just feel like I am in a viscous cycle. I cant work at a good job with good insurance cuz of my swelling legs and ankles. So I dont have insurance that will pay for surgery. I have a job that doesnt pay enough to get financing for surgery. Its like buying a house, I just dont think its ever gunna happen. I wont be able to work a "normal" job till I lose wieght. I just want to cry. LOL I even thought about playing the Megabucks the other day.

The only 2 people I know that have money are my parents and one of my aunts friends. My parents wont loan me the money. *Sigh* LOL and I only met Rita once, how could I ask for a loan even though I know they have millions of dollars. But at this point I feel desprate. I think I will call my Aunt tomarrow, and see what she thinks. Being poor sucks sometimes.

Its at times like this when I get angry with my parents. Why the hell would they say they would not help with college??? It wasnt my choice that you spent $100 grand on counceling because you all could not get it together. I think I would have chosen my future over that. Its why I had to wait 10 years to go to college, when you know thats all I have ever wanted to do. So now I am almost done and I am afraid cuz I might not be able to work... WTF??? When did life become so complicated???? I remember in my 20s that being poor wasnt a big deal. That was before all of my medical issues. What the hell is up with the cost of Drugs and going to the doctor???? Some days I just want to give up and call it quits.... Put me on Medicaid, give me a check and I can sit on my fat ass and not leave my house EVER. I really have thought about it. Even got a application sent 7 years ago. And the sick thing was my mom was like, go for it!!!! She must have missed the class where ya learn that you should want your kids to do better than yourself. So while she and dad live in thier 4000 sq ft house, going on cruises, snowbird ways, I trudge threw school a full time crappy pay job, live paycheck to paycheck and sink further and further down the working poor class funnel. I am really glad that these days are infrequent...lol OOOO and can I get my brothers phone number??? I only asked 3 years ago!!!! Sheesh....I know she is scared that I will tell the truth but come on, he is sick, I am sick, get over yourself!!!! I have already been sworn to never tell my Grandma she had a child out of wedlock and gave him up for adoption. I was punished cuz I told a friend. I just want to get to know him. I dont think it is fair that I had to meet him once with her there and never been able to talk to him since. It is just crap!

I wonder what my life would have been like if so many things had not happened in my life. Would I have gained wieght? Would I have acted out sexually in childhood? Would I be a Pschologist like I planned? Would I have travled the world?Would I have tried modeling? Would I have become a dancer? Would I have children? I dunno.... But I do know I just want to be able to live, and thrive. I am dying here. I want to leave. My spirt is dying. I miss my "family" that I created. I miss all of the kids. I am afraid I will never be able to have any children now. Which is odd...lol... because I spent most of my 20s fearful of having kids cuz i didnt want to be like my mom.

I married a wonderfull man that has a disability but who loves me unconditionally. He takes care of me, but he will never get a good job till he learns english. He accepts me with all my issues, God only knows he is a Saint, lol. Its amazing that i am so distorted. On a day to day basis I dont think of myself as fat. I catch a glimpse of someone in the mirror, who is that? ooops its me. IS that REALLY me???? Not at all who I think of as myself. I miss dancing,volleyball, softball, cute shoes, swimming all day, holidays..... OMG I let so many things just go by and not even batted an eyelash...

ICK.. ENOUGH LAMENTING.... I shall get my fat arse upstairs and into bed for tomarrow is a new day

Hey Meow, I hope it is ok that I peeked into your journal. I'm here for you if you need an ear, shoulder, or hand. You have lost 25 pounds, keep it going. Begin journaling your food/calories and exercise.

Sounds very depressing and upsetting...I would think now with you being an adult that you wouldnt care so much about what your mother dont want you to do and concentrate on what you think that you need to do to survive!!! As deeply as it is hurting you not knowing your sibling that was given up for adopiton I would make every effort to find him and do what you can to have a relationship (too much time has been wasted already)...You must be happy with your life and living it the way that others think that you ought to live it is not always the best or the right thing!! Live for YOU!!!Of course, this is just an opinion from a doodle squat way down the food chain...lol

Hi girl! I know u don't know me -- but please find a GOOD gyne to go to. It took me a while but I found someone who is so awesome and respectful, I would never change doctors unless she died! Everyone deserves respect....My heart is sad for you - for what our parents often do to us and leave us to carry around - THEIR baggage -- and it is their baggage, not ours.......follow your heart - love yourself - and most of all do NOT give up. I have/am in your place - I am currently on disability and have NO money to speak of - I have insurance through Social Security and nothing else. If you ever want to just share/vent/complain drop me a line any time.