No I ain't had nothing to drink

I knew that’s probably what you'd think

If I dropped by this time of night

Remember way back when

I promised you I'd drop in

At one of those meetings down at the Y

Well, they started talkin bout steps you take

Mistakes you make

The hearts you break

And the price you pay

I almost walked away

You could hear a pin drop

When this old man

Stood up and said I'm gonna' say it again

Like I do every week

For those who don't know me

(Chorus)

It's the simple things in life

Like the kids at home and a loving wife

That you miss the most, when you lose control

And everything you love starts to disappear

The devil takes your hand and says no fear

Have another shot, just one more beer

Yah, I've been there, that's why I'm here

This ole boy stood up in the aisle

Said he'd been living a life of denial

And he cried as he talked about wasted years

I couldn't believe what I heard

It was my life word for word

And all of the sudden it was clear

(Repeat Chorus)

That’s one of my favorite songs. It’s written and performed by Kenny Chesney, and for a long time I couldn’t hear it without crying; sometimes, I still can’t.

I know it’s about alcoholism, but it’s also about me and my eating disorder. So many times, I thought, “I got this. I’m in control. I’m NOT an addict. I’m not ill.” Then there was the time when I lost 71 lbs. on Weight Watchers, and I was convinced that I was “fixed.” I was cured. I wasn’t “that” person anymore, and I was never going back; ever…but, I did. The devil definitely took my hand and I thought, “Just this once.” “Just this once” led to a downhill slide and a massive weight gain. I spent years beating myself up over that. I could not believe that after all that hard work that I blew it, like that. And then, my darkest days began. I felt as though my eating was so much bigger than me. It was something separate from me, that I couldn’t control. I hated life. Every day was a struggle of when do I eat/how much do I get to eat/when will I get to eat again/ what is there to eat? Worst of all, I knew that if I ever did get it together, that it wouldn’t stay together. And I hated everyone; but no one as much as myself...I really hated me.

I think that everyone has to have their “moment of truth.” Mine came for me at 3:00 in the morning, watching a show on WLS. I remember thinking, “Life doesn’t have to be this hard.” I pretty much decided right then, that I was going to do this thing.

You know, I would have NEVER thought that anything positive could have came from that 71 lb. weight gain, but I was wrong; several positive life lessons came from that.

I learned that just when you think you’ve got your demon under control, and you get so high and mighty and complacent that it will rear its ugly head and kick your ass.

I learned what to look out for, and what foods that I can’t handle; foods that are “triggers” for overeating.

I learned that I am WAY stronger than I ever imagined.

Lastly, I learned that the weight loss is secondary for me. The main thing is that I’m free. I’m free from the prison known as my eating disorder.

And life is good. Life is very good.

Wendy, thanks for this post. I had to read it several times it struck such a nerve with me. I'm not afraid I'll lose the weight (again), but I'm terrified I'll gain it back (again). Thanks for giving me hope. -BG

Great post, very brave and helpful

Glad I saw this, love the song too. Your post is very inspirational and I'll look at it often. Thanks. Kathi

I just read all of your blog entries. You have such a wonderful positive attitude! I hope I can keep such a great spirit when I am drinking broth. Your songs and stories are inspirational and a much needed laugh! The spin class story nearly made me pee my pants!

Thank you so much! I’m thrilled that you find me inspirational, and if my writings bring a smile to your face, even better…and, if I cause you to “pee your pants” from laughing at something I’ve written, then even better!

That positive attitude will be very important, in the future, but know that you CAN do it. When you get to “Bandsters Hell”…that month after surgery, when you have virtually nothing in your band and you’re on liquids for two weeks, yep, that hell. Make sure that you take in plenty of lean liquid protein. I lived off that Special K protein water mix; low cal and 5 grams of protein in each packet; it’s a godsend. That and liquid protein supplements got me through just fine. Oh, and one more thing I forgot to mention; find something you love more than eating, and when you feel like eating; do that. For me it was art. For others it can be knitting, sewing, online scrabble, painting…whatever. Find what it is and do it. You have to have a way to deal with life without using food, so find another outlet.

I wish you much success. I know you’ll do great!

Hey Band Groupie,

You WON'T gain it back. Just remember where you came from and find out "who" you really are. When I was going through "Bandster's Hell" I had to give up sugar, of course. I decided then and there, that I'd give it up for good. Like I said, it's a trigger food for me. I NEVER thought I could do that...EVER. Go the rest of my life with no Dove chocolate? NO WAY! I mean life wouldn't even be worth living, right? Wrong.

I just can't chance it. It's like an alcoholic taking that first drink after being sober...what's one drink? I can handle it. What's one bite? I can handle it. Hell, I could NEVER handle it, and you know what? No way, it's worth the risk. To think that everything I've worked for and have now could slip through my fingers...to know that my sanity could go away, just like that...with one little(?) bite.

And on a lighter note; here's something you'll love.

You know, met that cute little Kenny Chesney not once, but twice. Oh God, I was so excited! Me and two friends went back for a "meet and greet." I'm dressed to the nines. I just know that Kenny is going to take one look at my fine, sexy self and beg me to leave my husband. So, I get up there and have my picture made with him. I had to kind of lean in and down 'cause he's so short. I wanna make sure both of our faces are in the photo...that's how short he is...seriously!

So, my friend takes the picture, and this was before everyone had a digital camera or a picture cell phone; you had to have the film developed; remember that? Well, I get the pictures back (24 hour developing); I take them out, and...What the HELL? See, what I didn't realize is that not only is Kenny short, he's little as well...real little...tiny...little bitty, teeny tiny, pocket sized. And there I am standing beside him and I look HUGE. No lie. I look like a man in DRAG. GIGANTIC! Everything I have is twice as big as what he has. I look like a red-necked Godzilla. I swear, it looked like I could pick him up in my big ole' hand and just pop him in my mouth...bite his head off, like in those old Godzilla horror flix. Everyone was like, "Let me see the pictures," and I was going, "Uh...they messed 'em up at Walgreens...dammit...yeah, they messed 'em up, that's it."

Oh well, I like George Strait way better anyhow.