It’s Sod’s Law that the one person that I expected to support me in this procedure has been the only one person that hasn’t. Damn that Sod and his bloody law making!

Without wanting to sound like an angry young (ahem!) man and post my second negative post, I thought I would try and do it in a defensive way rather than go in with guns a-blazing. The gloves were originally taken off as I pressed the “new post” button - but they have duly been put back on. In fact, I have retired to the changing room, away from the ring to write a considered response with the help of a bit of Rufus Wainwright serenading me and a hot cup of jasmine tea. Actually, forget that - I am going to have to snipe a bit, so decaf coffee it is.

Firstly, I won’t bother going through my reasons for undertaking this surgery. If you want those, you can easily read through the swathes of words I have on the subject.

Secondly, I will start my defence a bit absurdly. I will start with a list of mistakes that I made leading up to the surgery and a few of my most outstanding weaknesses. This way, I can be judged in full for the actions I took.

Thirdly, I intend to iterate why this blog was set up and why I continue to push people here instead of talking about it face to face.

Fourthly, I will try and defend the accusations that have flown recently and put them in their place once and for all. I won’t be going over it again - so listen carefully!

Lastly, I intend to lose some weight with dignity and pride and hopefully a bit of happiness - so if you don’t like it - back off and let me get on. Please.

So, as detailed above, I launch my defence with point 1.

1. Go read.
   
2. The biggest mistake I made before undertaking this step was not to make the decision with my partner. Instead I chose to research and make the decision entirely alone. I chose to not discuss my fears with anyone and let the decision be made before I told a soul. When I did tell, it was already well decided in my mind that I would do it. In hindsight, I would probably have realised that this was to be a shared experience and needed buy-in and approval from everyone affected. I do admit that the way I did it was perhaps selfish. I won’t defend it, as I believe now it should have been done another way.
   
   My second mistake - but one that I am not so sure was entirely wrong, was not to inform my friends until it was all done. This was again because the procedure was so huge to me that I wanted to be in and out of it before anyone could grill me and make my life too stressful before I undertook the seemingly controversial operation. I think that they now feel slightly distant from me as I was unable to share this with them - which perhaps I should have done. My excuse for that is hopefully well understood and forgivable.
   
   My weaknesses can be pretty much listed out verbatim. I am well aware of them and pretty much everyone who knows me is also very well read on the subject. Again, I won’t excuse the failings - just lay them out on the table.
   
   • I am absolutely CRAP with money. I don’t quite understand its value and I can’t hold onto it as long as I should. It has gotten me into some dire situations and I am aware that it has caused some distress to those around me. Never ever lend me money. Ever!
     
   • I am a frightful coward. Everything that has any kind of danger attached fills me with dread. I hate roller coasters, flying and high speed. I cower at spiders and tremble at heights. If you are looking for courage in a burly man - look elsewhere.
     
   • I am pretty stubborn. Once I have decided upon something - that will always be the right thing in my mind. It takes a lot of persuasion to talk me around to another point of view. Some people may well recognise this as arrogance!
     
   • I was (no more) a big drinker. I binged and usually got very “bombastic” in the process. Imposing one’s personality on friends and stranger can be quite daunting for them. Using booze as a crutch to overcome my utter shyness and inability to have a conversation with people was probably not the best therapy.
     
   • I have many other weaknesses, but are probably irrelevant for this post - so I will stop self-flagellating.
     

[*]This blog was set up for two reasons. I needed an outlet where I could do a bit of cathartic self-therapy. Writing everything down in this way seems to be a brilliant tool for exploring one’s mind and really coming to terms with issues that bother you. I recommend it for anyone undertaking a journey like this that they have concerns about. Even if you don’t publish it - write it down. The honesty you can deliver to a uncaring, uninterested computer screen is immense. The second reason was to enable my friends to read my reasons behind my decsion and see more into the process. It gives them the full picture without taking up my entire life talking about it. If people want to know, they go to my blog. Also, I figured it would help people contemplating the operation in the future see the thought processes I went through stage by stage and help them to come to terms with the options available. I’m not entirely sure my readership is that enormous nor whether people actually take in what they read in between the rambling sentences. But, from the few comments I have received, it is ringing a similar chord with other people who have had the surgery. Time will tell if this helps anyone else.

[*]Now, the accusations!

• This blog is simply self-indulgent crap.
  
  
  Well, it has been an important part in my decision and coming to terms with opting for the surgery. It has also helped others close to me to fully understand what I did. Whereas with talking and conversation - they would only have had the full story. I just wouldn’t have the time to quote the articles in teh blog to all my friends. I can’t really defend the “crap” bit.
  
  
• I didn’t cater for the feelings of my partner when I made the decision on my own
  
  
  Yes I did. I shouldn’t have made the decision on my own, but her feelings were very much considered and put into the equation. The trouble is - I didn’t accurately predict what her feelings would actually be. Hence the discussions should have been made. Half of a defence there.
  
  
• I wasted money on the operation when I could have invested in the family unit and dieted instead like most people.
  
  
  Sorry - but there is no basis to that one. Firstly - here is a fact. Of all diets - only 3-5% are successful in the long term (reference Dr Jessie H. Ahroni Ph.D., A.R.N.P.). A whopping 95 to 97% of people who diet are wasting their time! I have tried dieting and my mental and physical make-up is such that I was one of the 95-97% of people who failed. I tried for 15 years. This was a last resort as you will probably know by now from my self-proclaimed cowardice. Secondly, me paying for a surgery to keep me alive for many more years than previously expected IS an investment into the family unit. Imagine my salary over, let’s say, 20 years. Lastly, the money spent on the operation is approximately how much I overspent on food and alcohol over two years. So, in conclusion - this has not only cost nothing - it has actually put money BACK IN to the family unit (remembering my fiscal weakness - you may wish to check these facts!). Along with that, it is giving me the opportunity to live a bit longer.
  
  

So, there you have it. Now I intend to get on with my new life, in a slightly different way than I had originally planned - but get on with it I shall.

Originally posted at: Lap Band Blog

Ben- Maybe I'm naive, but I'd guess MOST of us had to make this decision in our own mind before we really involved the others in our lives. It is a huge deal for us and a last resort...I think we had to get to the point in looking at this where WE were OK with doing this. I know I had already made up my mind before I broached the subject with DH and I wanted to have enough information to give him before telling him. I did try to involve him (since he's the only one I'm telling) by taking him to several seminars and my surgeon's consult, mainly because I need him to know what's involved after.

I can't say he truly 'gets' it...at 6'3" 190# he's always been thin. He still thinks it's a bit extreme, and he's seen me diet down to very normal weights before (I have been able to be a success dieting), but he's also seen me gain it all back plus more many times. After living through six months of seeing me prepare for this I do think he's coming around...it's not that he hasn't been supportive the whole time, but at least now he sees how important this is to me.

I know he doesn't get the blogging thing at all, but like you I just started off trying it and found it suprisingly cathartic for me (especially because I'm not telling others). I tend to vent all my issues here and just writing it helps me, even if no one listens. Is that self-indulgent...probably, but it's about time I started taking care of me for a change and that includes the head stuff as well as the LB (can't believe I can finally just say that). I don't think I'll be successful without working on both pieces at the same time. I know the hardest part of my deciding this was the 'selfish' part...I had to decide that it was OK for me to be at the top of the list for once, it was OK for me to spend the money (although most is ins.), set aside time to exercise, time to track food, and time to blog and get my head stuff out and support from others who understand.

No one is perfect, and I'd do some things on this journey differently too. Keep on your path, you know you're doing what you need to for you. Have I felt guilty along the way for taking time and money just for me...sure, but like you said, I know in the long run of life this will make me a happier healthier and longer-lived person and that will benefit everyone around me. When you're happy with yourself then others will be happier with you.

Sorry for the novel, but just know you're doing the best you can and stay the course. As I tell my kids all the time -Life is about choices and the results or consequences. You never know where those choices are going to take you. -BG

Ben, your partner doesn't have to "get it." You do. You got it. It would be nice if he were on board, but I've noted that sometimes it's the very person we think we depend on the most who is sometimes the last person to be our cheerleader. (sad sigh) You aren't alone, my friend. We're here. We "get it."

Thanks for your feedback back chapesses!

voiceomt2002 - thanks. Just to clarify though - my partner was a she not a he...unless she had an operation she didn't tell anyone about either!

Band_Groupie - as ever, a well qualified and indepth post! Thanks for your thoughts - I'm all up for long posts...um actually, based on what I just said to voiceomt2002, I take that back...

Thank you again!