Today at around 7 I will be attending my seminar. I'm nervous not really sure what to expect of what will happen. I need this, I don't just want it I need it in order to survive.

I had a nightmare last night and now I really don't know what effect the rest of my personal affairs will have on my surgery.

I bring this up only because with the weight gain many things have changed in my life. I was athletic in high school, very active, and focus on the tasks that I had to complete. With the weight gain myself esteem seemed to evaporate. I allowed myself to do and engage in activities that I knew were more damaging to my mental and emotional well being.

I guess one of the areas that have really been affected has been my love life. When I was what society thought was acceptable I never really had a trouble finding someone to love or be attracted to me. It seemed as if men were more interested in me as a person. Now it seems as if I live my life as a sex toy to be played with at the whim of men.

I know that this might nit be true. And I also know that this has alot to do with me as a person but I can't help but wonder. I have come a far way in knowing who I am and what I want. I don't want to continue being the fat girl, the sex toy the person that gets used. I have fought hard to hang on and rebuild the sancitity of normalcy that is my mind. I guess this is turning into some kind of confusing rant so I'll try to wrap it up.

My new life is being embarked upon.