what up to all,

well it's late...i just woke up from a dream and i needed an outlet for this one. ok, so in this dream i was in the middel of a tunnel, like a tunnel for a train. it was well lit and with overhead lighting that randomly winked on and off. the walls were made from the bedrock from the mountain side, dark brown and wet. i was in a surgery gown in the dream. i was confused in the dream and was affraid, but i couldnt explain why. i could hear a distant thunder rolling in, i knew it was a storm coming in, a bad one. the tunnel felt like protection, a refuge from the oncoming storm. i remember looking down at the pooling water at my feet, and the rain water was rising higher. i caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the water, and to my horror, i was drapped in hanging skin. it was like wearing a over coat of flesh. it hung from my face like wet towels on the clothes line. my stomach and back were also fashioned in the same way. i tired to get out of the tunnel, but all the excess skin triped me up, i was tangled in my own flesh. i kept thrashing and for my efforts, i was hindered even further. i made it to the mouth of the tunnel and looked out to see a baren landscape, no trees, grass, or wild life. at this point my myriad of extra flesh has just about consumed me, with my last breath i screamed with all i had left, the whole scene shattered like glass, and then i woke up coverd in sweat. for some reason my surgery scars itched. i heard about people who have lost limbs get "phantom pains", like the limb is still there, a ghostly reminder of what they lost. the dream could mean alot of things. first off, i never told anyone about my lapband, other than my parents. the empty tunnel and baren lanscape could mean i feel alone in this journey, which is the truth. the flooding water and the storm i think is my fear of failing, meaning putting all my weight back on. which is also the case, but that fear holds no weight since i lost 90lbs and havent put any of it back on. but the hanging skin is getting to me. i have been thinking of my body and when im done loosing all of the weight. i can see where i might need a tummy tuck and some lipo. but, i dont know. i am a 22 year old guy. i am still young, can my skin be pulled firm on its own? i do as much as possible to make sure it will pull back, i do enough weight lifting to kill a horse, but it will probably not be enough in the end. i dont have a problem getting some lipo or a tummy tuck if needed. but, i feel ashamed. i feel guilty about being over weight. i feel like all of this could have been prevented. i think, "well if would of taken care of myself, i wouldnt be in this situation, why cant i be like the other young guys and have control of myself". i know these thoughts are dumb, i mean this is my situation, and im dealing with it the right way. i just second guess my past all the time since i got the band. for example, with my extreme obesity (380 lbs at my worst and being 6'3) , i have damaged the lumbar region of my spine greatly. i have a couple bulging discs, spinal stinosis, and four cysts pressing on nerve roots. i am in constant pain because of this. i joke with my dad about this, i say "i got old people problems that you should have". but back to lipo and tummy tucks. i guess i feel embaressed about even having to get it done. even my parents think it would be a good idea to do. but, my super ego wont let the guilt go. i know there is nothing wrong if i would need to get some corrective surgery done and millions of people have done it, i just dont feel good about it. i suppose the important thing is that im doing it for all the right reasons, for me, my health, and to be the best i can be. also in the dream, i said the skin was holding me back from escaping the water. maybe it means that i feel trapt inside of myself, that once all the extra fat and skin is taken off my body, i will be free at last. after all i have been through, cutting the extra skin off will be the final act in this play. i hope it works like that, it sure sounds good. but once again i feel like this thorn in my side is from the tree i planted years ago. i have confidence in myself to see myself through all of this. i dont feel beaten down or defeated about my situation. i stopped looking for heros and saviours a long time ago, i know it is up to me to do the right thing. to anyone who read all of this, from the bottom of my heart, i thank you. i like coming on here and talking to you all, for lack of a better term, its like taking an emotional dump, hahahaha, i guess a better term is "venting". if anyone has any advice on tummy tucks and lipo please share, i really need to hear from people that have been there and done it. and if anyone has any other comments, please feel free to express them, i love to hear from all of you. until next time....STAY STRONG.....STAY MOTIVATED.....AND MOST IMPORTANTLY......STAY FURIOUS:cursing: