A journal entry from August.....A flashback from the begining.
I'm sure this is something you have either heard before or have experienced. I am scared of getting banded. Not the surgery or the change in lifestyle, but....what if I don't succeed? Am I hiding behind my limitations and once I have this there is nothing to hide behind? I have lost weight and gained weight and lost it again and found it plus some. I know how to lose weight. I am looking for the tool to help me make this a change of LIFE.
I am thinking that I don't want to tell anyone about it. I don't want people to say, "Yeah, she had surgery. She HAD to have surgery." I think part of it is that I am embarrased to admit that my weight has started to impact my everyday life. From the rare airplane ride that I have started to dread because of the seats and the seatbelts to the
difficulty with intimacy with my wonderful sexy husband because I feel too self conscious about myself.
I don't want my kids to know. I guess I feel that I have failed on my own and I need help. A lot of help. I feel like a failure.
Oh please don't be mad at me. I don't feel like everyone that has surgery is a failure. In fact I have been very excited since I made the decision to take this big step. I guess it is the ups and downs
of feeling crappy about myself. I recently got together with my sisters and I was the biggest one. Three of us have always been big, but this time I was the grossest. I have been looking at pictures
today. At 5'4" and 275lbs of course I look bad. Sometimes you just don't know until you have to look at it. I dress professionally everyday for work, but I can't even cross my legs. I don't feel comfortable just sitting in a chair unles I have a table in front of me to lean on and hide behind. I do feel that some people are less than welcoming to me because of my weight. I want to change that. I
want to be able to cross my legs. I want to be able to enjoy traveling because the seats are comfortable. I want to put on clothes and feel good. I want to wear a size 16 or less. How sad it that? I
want to wear a size 16. People who wear a size 16 hate that size and feel too big. About 8 years ago I have a thyroid disease and lost weight. I weighed 170 lbs. I desparately want to feel that way again.
I want my husband to want to be with me because he finds my sexy, not just because he loves me. (Wow. How many women say just the opposite!) I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to WANT to be in pictures.
I want this surgery more than anything right now. I want to be proud. I want to be healthy. I want to love what I see in pictures.
Well, I had the surgery at the end of October. I have made this a LIFE change so far. I haven't told anyone really except my doc, my hubby and a friend.
Intimacy is SO MUCH BETTER!!! I look forward to flying in April for business because I don't worry about the seats and seatbelts. I think I am now the SMALLEST sister although I won't see any of them until I visit them this summer and they don't know yet.
I just bought a size 16 pants and I can cross my leggs and frequently do sitting at my desk at work.
I love my band. His name is Band Jovi!:drum:
9 Comments
Recommended Comments
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now