As some of you know I am a cash patient. It was my only choice because my insurance has a restriction on weight loss surgery.

So I've saved and saved and finally managed to save enough to pay for my surgery. My date is scheduled, I've had my appointment with the nutritionist and now I'm just waiting. But it seems like waiting is the hardest part. And in my case it's not because I'm anxious or giddy with excitement. I thought I was at first...I'm still wanting the surgery but my head is playing tricks on me.

I'm really struggling with the reality of the money I'm about to spend. I've never spent that much money on myself. And I'm married, I have kids...how can I spend that money on myself? I keep telling myself I should be using the money for something for my family. Something for our house or an investment of some sort.

I don't know what to do. I'm questioning all the things I thought I wanted. Is this really going to be worth it? Am I really going to succeed or will I have spent all this money for nothing?

Feb 27 is just around the corner....I'm feeling lost.

This IS an investment in your family...the best kind...you'll be around to grow old with them, and they need you healthy and happy. There's nothing you need that's more important than that. It's natural to feel guilty, as it's probably the first time you've put yourself at the top of the list, but use that as your motivation to make the band work for you the best you can. You're getting nervous as the date draws near and that's expected. You will succeed because you have a family that needs you to succeed. Hang in there! -BG

I agree with my friend BG this is the best investment for your family your health. We all have second thoughts trust its not so much about the money its alot to do deal with a big change but it will all be worth it. Good Luck

You guys are right. I know this is for my health and thats one of the biggest reasons I've chosen to do it. I talked to my husband and asked him to give me his honest opinion about all this.

He has been supportive through all this but I couldn't help but feel like he was just agreeing with me because he knew I wanted this. So I told him that and he said he has absolutely no financial concerns and that the cost does not matter to him. However, he is extremely worried about the surgery itself. He even said he was concerned about what he would have to tell our kids if something went wrong with the surgery and I died or ended up in a coma or something. He is a guy that thinks the worst but I understand where he is coming from. I wasn't sure how to ease his pain other than to reassure him that this procedure is very safe and that the riskiest thing about it is the anesthesia. But because I have had a couple surgeries before with no problems this should be no different.

Anyway another thing I didn't mention is I'm having a rough time feeling like this surgery is my only option because I'm a failure. Has anyone else gone through that? I mean I've tried over 15 different kinds of diets/pills and other programs. Most of them I think might have worked if I could of just stuck with it. But thats the problem I couldn't do it. And now I have to turn to surgery??

I know most of this is cold feet but mine are freezing!

Look, I can't say what would happen with you even if you'd been able to stick to a diet, but here's my experience...I have been able to stick to many diets; I've even lost 30-50# at a time, many times over...my problem is that I feel like I'm starving and when I've lost the weight, it just comes back...and trust me it gets harder to lose the older you get. So, I've been a "failure" as well, even as a 'successful' dieter...if people here could lose the weight and keep it off we wouldn't be here...we all go through feeling like a failure and that we've had to resort to such a desperate measure. I think it's the ones that don't feel that way and lightly go into this thinking it's an easy fix that don't do as well. You get that this is a last resort, which means you'll work hard for the changes needed. -BG

Well I talked with my Band rep today and I feel a lot better. She basically told me to shut up and quit running from a better life.

It's exactly what I needed to hear. She made me feel a lot better. I know that once the surgery comes and goes I will feel a lot better. I know it wont be easy but I'm just going to take a deep breath every day and try to stay focused on my goals.