Dear Abby,

I used to read your article as a teen, but you've dissapointed me with this one...this is just so, so wrong. -BG at LBT

P.S. I feel a little better now that I figured out that it was actually your daughter who wrote this answer. Tell her she needs to be a better listener...Mini-Me told you she'd preferred not to tell; she did not say she felt ashamed or guilty; and have you seen the size of appetizers lately (OK, maybe this one would help), but if you look for the real question it's there...If I don't want to share everything, what do I SAY that will put others at ease?

DEAR ABBY

Advice

Feb. 5, 2009

DEAR ABBY: I am an obese woman who had the lap band procedure done three months ago. I am now able to eat only three or four ounces of food at a time, and I am starting to show some major weight loss.

What do I say to people with whom I go out to eat when they think I am being finicky or snobbish for not eating my entire meal? I have gotten some pretty weird stares, and one of my co-workers believes I have an eating disorder.

Abby, I would prefer not to come out and say that I have had weight-loss surgery, but I don't want people worried about me either. Any suggestions? -- MINI-ME IN TEXAS

DEAR MINI-YOU: So many people in this country have serious weight problems, I see no reason why you shouldn't be frank about what you decided to do about yours. It's not shameful, and it should not be a guilty secret. People who know you well will find out eventually.

However, if you are determined not to reveal that you had the surgery, when you eat out in restaurants, order only an appetizer. That way less food will remain on your plate.

Or, tell them that you have a tapeworm...or you could glance in paranoia over your shoulder, then look under the table, and mysteriously say, "I'm not eating this food...I don't want to end up like all the others." You could make loud, succulant, moaning noises,every time you chewed, thereby, drawing embarrassing attention to your table;that way, they'd be grateful. that you didn't eat very much. You could say snidley, "Well, not all of us make as much money as YOU obiviously do, so SOME of us have toask the waiter for a "to go" container, so that we can ration our food out, hoping and praying that it will last until the next payday. You could make you food make little screaming noises as you ate it, and they'd be so put off by your crazy behavior that they probably wouldn't even remember what you had to eat, much less how much you ate.You could tell them that you're fasting for Rhamadan. You say what I say, which is, "Oh, I guess I didn't tell you that I had lap band surgery. Maybe if you weren't so self absorbed you would have noticed that I've lost a lot of weght, and I can't wait until I'm thin, so that I can start dressing like a tramp!...which reminds me, may I borrow some of your stuff when I get skinny?" You could slam your napkin down on the table loudly, shove your chair out from the table, and as you make you way to the restroom in mock tears, scream, "God! Why do you always have to ruin things for me?" And of course, there's always the old standby; Why don't you mind your own damn business?"

Or,you could tell them that you have a tapeworm. You look furitivley over both of your shoulders, lean in close and mysteriosly, and say, "I'm not eating this food...not after what happened to the others." You could say that you're fasting for "Rhamadan." Or you could make your food make little screaming noises everytime you go to take a bite, and I bet they wouldn't even remember what you had for lunch, much less, how much you did or didn't eat. You could make ecstatic, moaning noises of intense satisfaction every time you chewed, thereby embarassing them so badly that they'd be grateful you weren't eating very much. You could say, "Well SOME of us don't make as much as YOU obiviously do, so SOME of us have to ask eht waiter for a "to go" container, so that we can take our food home, ration it out, and pray to GOD that it lasts until the next paycheck." Or, you could tell them that you're in training to be a Navy Seal, and you have to watch what you eat. You could slam your silverware and napkin down on the table, push your chair out from the table forcefully, and as you run away to the restroom, shout back over your shoulder, "GOD! Why do you always have to ruin things for me?" You could say, "Oh, I'm not eating becuase I had lap band surgery, and I've lost a lot of weight. perhaps if you weren't so self absorbed you would have noticed by now. Yep, I can't wait to loose the rest of my weight, so that I can start dressing like a tramp!" Oh, and that reminds me; can I borrow some of your clothes once I get skinny?"

Or you could use my personal favorite, "Why don't you mind your own damn business!"

Now there's a list! ...and I was just thinking she could say 'I'm eating half as much so I can be half as big.' Or 'My doctor has me on a special diet.' (all true) Eating like this won't be any whackier than what I've done on other crazy diets (would they even blink an eye if she ordered only grapefruit every time?)? I'm thinking my REAL friends will be glad for me that I'm eating less and losing weight...and who cares about the others! And if I don't want the appetizer, I'll order what I want, thank you.

Wendy always cracks me up. ROTFLMAO. I'm so stealing that list.

I've made it clear to everyone at restaurants, especially the wait staff. I keep a card I found on the internet with me that my doctor signed, explaining how I'm a bariatric patient and why I order so little.