Ok I had my thrid fill on Friday, May 26th. Now I am told I have a 100 cc band and I already have 6 cc in it so Friday he added 3 more. I have 9 cc in a 10 cc band. He told me I am almost at max. I felt this lump in my throat but wasnt sure if it was the band being too tight or just knowing I only have one cc left to work with.

I was banded on Feb 8 or no romantic valentines dinner for me, I will still on liquids then, then all of my fills are been right before a holiday or some kind. Even my 40th B-day. This last one right before Memorial Day, so no cook-outs for me.

I am still fairly new to this whole banding experience but I dont think it is suppose to hurt everytime I try and eat. I mean it hurts bad too. I guess I will give it a couple of days and see what happens, if I cant eat by the end of the week I guess I will call my Doctor for a little unfill.

My husband took me to see X-Men 3 over the weekend, I saw the first two and loved them both. This is something a normal person would go to and have a really great time but not me, I have trouble in crowds. I sit at home and put on all the make-up, I do the hair and then try to find something in my closet that doesnt make me look so fat, now theres a joke. I can leave the house feeling rather good about myself , (I dont owe I full size mirror), and it never fails, I caught a glimpse of myself in a window or have to walk by a full size mirror. It is all down hill from there. I have often wondered when I have looked at my own reflection over the years did I not see myself getting better? Did I not see I was lossing my chin and cheek bones? I have always been heavy so I am not sure if I have ever seen me, or if this is the real me and I am not meant to be Skinny Tammy, wait skinny is wrong, normal size tammy is probably better. This brings to my mind...My uncle once told me........."hell dont worry about your weight tammy, they fuss if your too fat and they fuss if you're too skinny, its a no win situation". I wonder how true that is, I know for my family it holds a lot of truths.

Right before we went to the movies we went to our favorite little rib place, but instead me us ordering for two, we ordered for one and shared. I was able to get a half of a rib down and two bites of a baked potatoe in about 20 minutes. Now unless I plan on drinking all my protein there is no way I was be able to get 80 grams of protein a day. So after that we head out to the movies, we arrive 20 early, cause I have this thing about crawling over people who are already seated. Oh low and behold the seats that I always like to sit in , ya know the ones right up front, the ones that seprate the back from the front, there are only 5 seats were already taken. So we went to the seats ahead of them, in the middle, per my husbands request. This was a big movie weekend so the threater was packed. People to the left of me and people to the right. Now all I can do is sit there and think what if I have a heart attack, or what if I have to throw-up. I was totally miserable the entire time. At one point I even started to sweat and that makes it worse, ( one of the signs of a heart attack) my left arm was hurting ( another sign of a heart attack). I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I never have energy, I dont want to think, I dont want to feel. I really dont know what I am suppose to do any more.