5/29/06

Today I joined lapband talk. I am about 4 weeks from surgery, and getting the heebie jeebies already. Mom is being very supportive, but David reeks of negitivity. He knows being upset is a trigger to eat, and has done his level best today to sabotage any effort I make. He promised me this 3 day weekend would be just us, then this morning he went to "SEE HIS KIDS" Tells me I'm trying to keep him from his kids. What a jerk!!! I want him to be a good father, but, I want him to keep his promise to me too. I think Dave wants me to pass on surgery, because if I change myself, he will have to change himself or lose me. He knows I love him and he uses it against me. I want a man who wants to be with me first, everybody and everything else 2nd. If I sucessfully complete this goal, he won't get many more chances to lie to me.:angry .

Am I being too hard on a man wanting what was promised to me? I want to be thin to be healthy, but also because it will pose a threat to his security. Right now I honestly believe he thinks no other man would have me, and he's doing me a favor. Now he feels comfortable leaving me to do what he wants, but, if I looked more like his ideal woman, he might think twice before going off. The VERY worst part of everything is I let myself feel the same way he does. I hate myself for not being stronger. But, hey, it might not be an issue after today. He may have left for good this morning