How it really is
What is it that makes us view our bodies in such a distortion. Everytime I have lost significant weight I have always considered myself still fat. And when I was at my highest weight I didn't realize I looked so bloated and large.
I mean, it is stupid things. Like before I lost I would only look at myself from the chest up, like my huge butt and stomache wasn't really there. I actually thought those long loose tops hid the bulk of my body. Swollen legs and ankles, only look at your feet in the mornings and then they didn't exist.
Health concerns, no problem, they have a pill for that. High blood pressure, they have a pill for that. Except for me it was three pills. Diabetis, they have a pill for that too. Except the pills were not working and my sugar kept creaping up. Cholestrol, no big deal, I am still young and THEY HAVE A PILL FOR THAT. Heart Attack, they do bypass for that. Fatty Liver - okay now that made me stop and think. Liver transplants. Maybe I need to rethink.
No one tells you or maybe they did and I didn't listen, okay I know they did and I didn't listen, about what is going to happen a few years down the road if you continue at that weight. I thought I was young and I still had plently of time. Plenty of time to loose weight, plenty of time to start walking. Plenty of time left to get healthy. Bad things only happened to other people, I was fine. Now what was it that ex husband said, repulsed, disgusting.
New Hubby, accepted me fat, kind of like it was okay to be me. Okay to be fat, okay to be thin, okay to eat, okay to over eat or under eat. Never belittled me, sneak eating was a thing of the past. If I wanted it, I could finally sit in front of someone and enjoy it. Sneak eating lost it's hold. So maybe it would be okay, okay to change, okay to discover a new way.
And now, here I am. I have worked my butt off to loose what I have and I still have more to loose. How did it get this far? How heavy was heavy enough? How much time did I loose?
I try to look at myself different now. Try to acknowledge my progress and accept my body as it is. I know I can't go back in time, tell that stupid person that they would end up with saggy hanging skin. But this time I can be different. I can look, really look at me and see progress. Any progress is better than before.
Now, if I sit just right and look down at my thighs I see slimness. I cannot believe how much thinner they look. But then if I look at them from another angle I see all the hanging skin and they look quite large. I can look in the mirror and see the difference in my waist, in my arms, are there less dimples in my elbows?
Where I end up I don't know, but I'm in it for the long run. I know I will have hanging skin. But, at least there is less. Less stomach, less face, less neck and arms and don't forget the tush. But also, most important, I mean the MOST IMPORTANT, my health is better. When I think that I could have died from a heart attack or complications of diabetis.
The band gave me time. And since I will be around longer I think I will accept my body this time, for the first time in my entire life. I may have a hanging stomach and varicose veins, but I now have a strong heart and liver.
I think I will dance at my Grandson's wedding in twenty years.
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