mind altering
The other night my mom brought home fried chicken (Church's), fries, mashed potatoes w/gravy and those yummy biscuits. This was day 3 post-op. I was so angry and sad at the same time. Anger because "How dare they (family) do something like that!!" Sad because it was at that point I realized I can never satisfy myself with food again. No more shoving chicken, chicken tenders, pizza, steak, huge salads, sandwiches, potato chips, anything down my throat again. I suddenly realized that this band isn't something I can just give up because I am "tired of doing it". I really second guessed what I had done. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?! I thought about this and thought about this. Even into the next day when I was making breakfast for my family (bacon and eggs). It took me a while to get over the loss of Food.
It wasn't until late Sunday that it hit me. My anger and sadness wasn't because I was leaving food. Actualy, It wasn't anger or sadness at all. It was a tantrum because I couldn't have as much as I wanted. I couldn't eat 3 or 4 slices of pizza and have 2-3 pieces of chicken, etc because it is available and I want it. I couldn't be home by myself from work and munch in private on anything I wanted. I couldn't gulp down a drink because I am thirsty. I couldn't do what I had been doing all of my life!:confused:
Once I came to that realization, I came to this one....I can still enjoy food. I can still try things. I just can't go crazy. I just can't have the same portion size that the old cheryl would have.
This is all going to be much larger of a change than I had anticipated. I didn't realize how much I loved food in large quantities. Now I am focused on size in a different way. I am focused on portion size and will have that nickel that the patient advocate at True Results suggested. She said "take a nickel with you wherever you go. When you sit down to eat, place the nickel above your plate. This serves as a reminder that that is the size of bite you can take." At the time, that didn't make any sense to me, but today it makes total sense. That and take time to enjoy my meal. Savor the flavor instead of inhale the plate.
Though I am just entering my mushy phase I am retraining my old self to a new way of thinking.
I thought I would share this with ya and get it out of my head an into cyberspace.
Cheryl
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