Well, It's been many months since I have posted anything on this blog. I had an appointment on February 8th, 2008 to meet with the surgeon but I had to cancel the appointment. On Feb, 6 '08, my fiance, my very best friend, love of my life and soulmate passed away very unexpectedly. On top of having just lost my job and moving, I was faced with the most devastating loss that I can ever imagine having to face. For he was truly my better half and I felt as if I buried part of myself the day of his funeral. For the last 10 1/2 months I have been trying to focus on just getting through a day; just trying to find the strength & energy to get up each day and wade through the struggles that come with each new day and the grief that is at times still almost more that I can handle.

I miss Matt so much it is almost more that I can bear at times but know that I have to continue to live and try my best to find some happines again. I know that when my time comes that he will be waiting for me on the other side of those pearly gates but for now, it is not my time and I MUST continue to live because I know that he would want me to live life to the fullest and be happy and healthy.

Before, it took me a long time to get pyschologically ready to take this giant step in my life. I knew that Matt was behind me whatever happened and was excited about the changes that it would bring to my life and our future. Life without him has proven to be a daily struggle but I know that he was as excited as I was about the potential for a healthier future for me/us after surgery and although he is no longer here to share in my success, I know that he would want for me to continue on this path and spend the rest of my life as healthy as possible.

So, I begin to try to refocus on my health and the potential for surgery. I am trying to get emotionally/pyshchologically in a place that I am once again ready to head down this road. If I am going to have surgery to help me lose weight, I want to be as focused on that task as I can be when the time comes so that I can be as successful as I want to be and as he would want me to be.