So, my name is Jecca...not legally but everyone calls me that who knows me. I currently weigh roughly 326 lbs. and I'm 5'10. I've heard that journaling and blogging thoughts can help relieve stress and stress is bad, so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

I'm currently trying desperately to finish my BS from Radford University in biology. It's taken me 5 and a half years but hopefully it ends this december! The class I'm taking is a very hard one, and is only taught by one professor, who just happens to be the one who failed me last semester. The man truly has no soul, if I can pull a 60...just a 60 in that damn class I'm done! Not to mention that I've had all sorts of other things going on this semester and trying to prepare for my surgery.

I'm so excited about my surgery that I can barely sleep at night. I just know that what I look like right now, isn't what I'm supposed to look like, isn't healthy, and I'm soo tired of the social stigmas that come with the package. I'm not ashamed of who I am, I know I've tried to lose it on my own, but I can't, I need help, I need a tool, and that's what the lapband is going to give me, the help I need to succeed. My Dad and middle sister Ann, don't believe that it will help me, they think I'm wasting my time and money, that if I just tried to lose weight I could do it, no doubt my Dad's girlfriend (who no one really likes) thinks the same is true. That really hurts. My oldest sister Lisa, believes that it can help me, that maybe I need this, but hates me to have to have any surgery because of the risks. I understand that, but I KNOW I need this! At times it seems like the only ones who TRULY get me, are my boyfriend Jeremy, and my oldest neice Ashleigh (she's 15). Jeremy has seen me try, he knows I give it my all, he knows what this surgery means to me, and he wants me to do it, but worries about me during the surgery. Sometimes I think I forget how much he cares, until he talks to me about the surgery and then I remember that he wants me to be healthy, and will love me no matter what I look like (although he says that he really doesn't want to see my butt or boobs go lol). Ashleigh on the other hand, I think she sees the social stigma parts only. My first surgical consult, she and my Dad were with me, went to the classes and everything! When the doctor asked me about how my weight effected my life, and I told about the kids in elementary school teasing me, the boys laughing at me if I had a crush on them, the people treating me like I'm a leper and not being able to do what I enjoy...she cried...my Dad asked her why, and she said it was because she didn't know how hard it was to be me. She of course is a bean stalk, but I think she sees more now that it's hard to be obese. I know that she's excited for me to have this surgery, and swears that on my post-op diet until I can eat solid foods again, she's going to eat only what I can eat, I won't hold her to that, but it's sweet.

My Dad just wants me to be healthy, I know that, and I think that once I have the surgery and come out ok, and then start to lose the weight, he'll fully support me, Ann on the other hand, I've grown to almost not care what she says/thinks.

As for my friends, the ones who know, they support me, and I know that's what I really need right now, less stress, more support, to get done with school, to finish reading the Beck Diet Solution and to have a good Thanksgiving.

I've already told Dad that Thanksgiving is going to be basically my last supper, and so I'm going to literally pig out! I have 1 more class till Thanksgiving break, then 6 classes and 2 exams and it'll be time for my surgery. I can't wait, I just hope/pray that I can survive this class, and reward myself with the best Christmas present ever, starting a new life, of being healthy and a lot thinner.

I remember in high school I weighed 180. I thought I could still stand to lose ohhhh another 40 or 50 lbs, maybe so, but when I look back at those pictures, I was slim, but not skin and bones by any means, and I looked good. Now if I can only get back to that. :willy_nilly: