I can’t cook…sure I can follow a recipe, when I want to…but I’m WAY too creative:idea: for that (my gift is art). I have delusions that I’m a “foodie”…but only if you’re describing someone who loves good food. The problem is I’ve never taken the time to really learn and now I just don’t want to (you’ll see why). I’ll blame this primarily on my mother. She had 5 kids, 4 girls and she never taught us how to cook…didn’t want us in the kitchen actually. Ohhhh my mom’s a great cook…wonderful meals every night, appetizers even, on Sunday nights. Sure we made fun of her serving us cow’s tongue with raisin sauce once (what did you think kids would say about a giant curved tongue with raisins stuck all over it…I still swear it had taste buds…we were ROTFL:lol::cool::smilielol5::tongue2::eek:)…I think we made her cry. She would only break her form on the rare occasion she and Dad went out…frozen potpie night.

When I got to high school I had taken home ec. so I was allowed to try. I decided baking suited me well and I was good at it; even tackled filled éclairs once. So I branched out…I started adding my own spin to recipes…big mistake…my first memorable one was Jell-O with raisin bran cereal in it…let’s just say the raisins did fine…it was the flakes that were memorable.:ack2: :puke: I got married and continued the adventure. Once I was given the task of bringing the cake to a holiday. I had a box of candy canes. :idea:Candy canes…buttercream icing…what could be better together I ask you? I crushed them into chips and added them to the icing. Let me inform you…candy cane chips in icing turn into mainly gross wet slimy goo with sticky centers that get stuck in your teeth (kinda like the Jell-O flakes). By now I was developing a reputation in the family.

Another holiday I was tasked again with a baked good. I decided on apple pie...I was going to show them all this time! I researched recipes and found the best homemade crust and apple filling recipe I could find. I bought my apples from the local orchard even. Now, how to dress it up…I found a photo in a cook book of a BEAUTIFUL looking apple pie! It had a lattice top with fluted edges…I’m and art ed. Major…I can sculpt like nobody’s business! There was even a tiny apple with leaves all made out of crust sitting in the middle…oooo. I was going to need to make a lot of crust for all that! The photo of the pie was a beautiful golden brown and it was shiny! I researched that glaze. I made my pie…I had so much crust my woven lattice (pinked edges- my addition) top crust was almost solid…I couldn’t even see the apples down in there, but I knew it would be delicious…it was glazed so many times it shined and the tiny apple in the center looked almost real.

I entered my parents house to ooos and ahhhs…I beamed. We finished the holiday meal and now it was time for the pie. My mom brought it to the table to serve and I couldn’t wait. She started to slice into it…what’s this…it’s too hard (maybe this is like pottery I’ve made…too much glaze?)? No worries, Mom smiles nothing phases her, and she goes to the kitchen for a big serrated knife. After a great deal of sawing she finally breaks through…I’m now hearing sniggers all around me. She lifts the first piece and I see it…the filling is sitting nicely on the bottom crust, but as she turns it sideways there’s a giant space between the filling and the top crust, which is so thick with all my lattice that it’s still hanging in the air like a triangular diving board! Full laughter now. Let’s just say I went home with almost all the pie (my mom had a backup dessert…she’s learning).

Now here’s the worst part…I threw the beloved pie into the trash can behind our apartment, wanting to forget it forever. Trash day came and went, almost a week went by and my husband came home one night beckoning me to come out back. Just a few feet beyond where the trashcans are is the drive by which many in the apartments use to park. What was that in the drive?…damn those trash men for spilling…yep, there it was:sad2:…my beloved top crust still looking perfect, still so shiny…didn’t it rain yesterday? I left it there.:leaving:Since then my DH Mr.SA, has embellished the story (and to think I married him for his sense or humor). The story now goes, and he swears it's true, the next day it had tire tracks:driving: going over it that didn’t even break the tiny apple with leaves on top. Of course I have to hear about every failed recipe each holiday (I’ve only shared three here, but they have much more ammo).:tt1: I’ve offered to bring something for Thanksgiving this year…I’m still waiting for the call back.:drool:

...I'm starting to collect post op recipes now.

Awww BG! I think those stories are hilarious. And why is it that our oops live on in infamy but things like those filled eclairs are soon forgotten??? Shame on all of them :cool: PS. Don't take a baked good :tongue2:

Yeah...at least I'm not alone...Mom will never live down the cow's tongue. Maybe a centerpiece this year! Ha!

First I'd like to say I know this is an older post, but I'm new to LBT, getting banded in two days.

With that said, I'm totally with you on the cooking thing. My hubby is a chef so I don't cook and have never learned how. Not going to learn how. That's just something he new when he signed the papers. At least that's what I tell people.

My biggest feat is that mac and cheese incident. lol We were at my father in laws one evening for a get together and he asked me to make the mac and cheese. I've been in this family six years mind you, he knows this would be a disaster.

Well, anyway, it was a littler box so I thought there would only be one thing of cheese in it, seems reasonable right? Not so, there were two. One of them went in to the boiling water and was ruined. Had to add velveeta by the time it was over. lol

That was almost a year ago, still haven't lived it down. Oh well, all in good fun.

PS-Your blog is a riot! I absolutely love reading it! I'm on vacation right now from work due to getting banded and I'm trying to read all of your blogs. You're just too funny, very eventful life. Can't wait to read more.

dirttrackdiva- LOL Mac & Cheese...Velveeta is my 'go to' food, fixes any bad cooking...just smother it with cheese! Hope your healing well and feeling better soon! -BG

OMG! I can totally relate... The same thing happened to me once... Well, okay, the crust probably wasn't ohhh and ahhhh worthy becasue I just put a flat crust over the top... But it looked great when it came out of the oven... However when my Ex Dh cut into it... It fell down into a million pieces.... Huh, Where did the apples go??? Ohhh there they are... What started as a 10 inch high apple pie is now anout 1/2 an inch.... Turns out that "delicious" apples aren't meant for baking and they shrink down to nothing but water.... It was now an applesauce pie with lots of crust.... Haha... Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) I became a very good baker and cook and always get to bring all the yummy stuff to every party... Haha... Now that I have everyone trained to expect this, I have decided I won't be doing this any more. I don't want my life to revolve around food and cooking for every party, get together and special occasion... I want to focus on seeing all my friends and just visiting with people and catching up with their lives... I'll bring the store bought veggie platters and lo-cal dip.... It was the obsession with making the perfect and most delicious food all the time that helped get me in the obese situation I am in now....

Sure, NOW you tell me about the delicious apples! -BG