As for today, it was a successful day. But this evening, I've been grazing...chewing and spitting. ick. And not good things either...just things. Left overs from Trin's plate...duh.

I know this is the time on a normal diet I would cave. Completely, udderly go into the fridge and eat anything and everything until I couldn't breathe.

Honestly, I'm afraid of the skinny me. I don't know what kind of person she is, how she copes...is she friendly, or will she ruin all the safe relationships I've built? And at this moment, when i see success staring me in the brain...I want to quit. Not really, but in this moment i yell and scream and fight for staying fat. Why??? That's ultimately the question. If i can figure out the 'why' I can have my "Oprah moment'". But I think I;m afraid to consider what it might be.

Clear liquids for 2 weeks?? When everyone else is on full??? Gimme a break!!! How come? I want to be normal...alas, for years I haven't been normal. For years I have eaten like a fiend, made myself and everyone around me uncomfortable...I;'ve started the back pain and the joint pain, and I can't live there. That's why I had to have the surgery...so I wouldn't back down.

So now, just because the wedding ring is fitting loosley, and the clothes are fitting loosely, and the bone structure is peeking out, this isn't he reason to quit. Fish will come soon enough...that's what I want my first 'meal' to be, broiled fish. It won't be long. I've been eaing my whole life, so perhaps now I can just be patient for a couple more weeks. It won't be long, and then it'll get easier. And now I wait, and pray...

shhh....I'm not really here (lol) just wanted to peek into the cave entrance and say you are doing great! I agree - life isn't fair - nor is not being able to eat certain things....but hang in there - pretend you are in hiberation for a couple of weeks in that cave (like the bears) and when you come out and walk into the sunshine your fish will be waiting for you!

Mo