I've always struggled with commitment. In my head everything was easily accomplished, every goal seemed attainable, but reality told a very different story. Turns out the only thing easy for me to do all these years, was lie to myself.

So here I am, ready to come clean, be honest with myself and take control of my life. Food is my drug of choice. It's my addiction. I am not any different from a heroin junkie. They have track marks, I have stretch marks.

Bottom line is an addiction is an addiction. I've alienated people. I've sought comfort in food. I've chosen food over people. I chose food over life. But no more. It ends. It has to, or I'm not going to make it and not making it isn't an option for me.

I saw my primary physician a couple weeks ago. I broke down in her office and told her that I needed help. I had some lab work done and it revealed that I have developed the early stages of diabetes and hypothyroidism. My thyroid levels were 6 times the level they should be, and consequently, I was prescribed medication for both ailments. Since I had also not been sleeping, I had a sleep study done this week and was told that my apnea was one of the worst the technician had seen.

Realizing all of this, taking it all in how much damage I had done to my body at such a young age, was simply put: overwhelming.

But rock bottom and all that stuff, right? I've certainly hit it, it seems, and it's time to scratch and claw my way back up.

I have an appointment with a dietician on the 22nd, and the initial appointment with the banding surgeon on December 8th. I think I'm making progress in the right direction. Now it's just a matter of getting through all the bureaucratic bullshit. Apparently my insurance covers the procedure, so I'm looking to have the surgery at the beginning of the year.

Anyway, in the meantime, I figure I'll use this blog to write down my thoughts and hopefully get a better understanding of my relationship with food since that's going to be critical to my success.

I have only started using this blog recently and one thing I can see already is .. you are not alone here. People are supportive, encouraging and we all have something in common and noone judges! So to you who has finally come clean .. well done and good luck on your journey. I am having surgery next week and I have felt all those things you are feeling now .. and I also have reached the point where enough is enough. I am sure I might have to examine my issues with food at some point .. but I figure that will be easier when I feel better about myself and I am thinner and can see some success.

don't look back ..

Thanks, bemused. I really needed that additional support and word of encouragment. Every little bit counts!