i need somewhere to write, so thought i would come here. i feel rubbish tonight, had a really good weekend, but this week has been hard work and I am eating just for the sake of it. im not hungry apart from an hour before lunch, but when i actually get to eat, i am eating loads, without realising. i need to go back to strict controlled dieting, so im going to go on liquids for a week to tell myself what real hunger is and that im not wasting money when i can loose weight and ive proved i can, cos ive lost nearly 2.5 st in just over 5 weeks. which i know is really good, but i want it to come of faster, i dont want to be looking the same in a months time, i set myself a goal of being a size 16 by christmas. i am a size 18 now, but i want to get to that goal by the end of the month, not in 3 months time. im going to really push myself, and i will get there.

the thing is though, with my head telling me this, is there a possibility i am turning into havgn anorexic thoughts? i just feel so low today and yesterday. its rubbish, especially after the weekend i had, why cant i feel as happy as i did then, and not now??????? my clothes are hanging off me and so are my rings, and ive had to tighten my watch, so why is that not making me feel happy?

my ultimate goal is to hve a horse by the time i reach my goal weight, so ive been looking into livery yards near me and the types of horses that are for sale at the moment, but do i really want that now, or is just me haing second thoughts tonight?

lots of rhetorical questions, i just had to wrte tem all down. cos when im not feeling like this and i come to read what ive written here in a week or a months time, i will probably be in a better place in myself by then, and not feeling as rubbish as i do today.

ive got to think there are people in much worse situations then i am, and its not the be all and end all to be thin straight away, but i dont think that the thin thing is what is getting me down at the mo, think its just cos im so tired.

need to start fresh day tomorrow and forget about today, life is for the future, not the past, or something like that.

You've done really well this past 5 weeks!!

Wow a horse of your own! I volunteer at a horse therapy program. Wonderful "beasties".

Keep your chin up. You should be very proud of your progress. Don't worry about the anorexic thoughts. You are just becoming more aware of your food intake and impatient to get to your goal.

Have you had a fill yet?

hi ajoneen

thank you for the support, I use to have a horse of my own, but had to sell him when i went to uni, so once i reach my goal and pay off my surgery, I am going to get one.

my surgeon wont do fills until atleast 8 weeks post op, so that is another 3 weeks, but i think it will probably be around the 12 week mark, cos i go and see my nurse on the 3rd october and they say speak to jill (dietician) and if there are behaviour changes that she can implement, then she will and if that doesnt work, then you go and have a fill.

how far are you opst op-did you have the anorexic thoughts?