I decided today that I am not good at waiting. When I make up my mind to do something...I want it done now. I have my first consultation with the doctor on 8/6 and I feel like the days are twice as long as they use to be. I want to go to bed early so that it can be the next day. I know I am being a tad bit ridiculous considering how long it will be for the testing etc. to take place. I just finally realized that I am never going to be thin without this. I have tried to lose weight since I was in middle school. Albeit, I was never really that heavy then but I was bigger than all the other girls and when you are bigger than the rest of the girls...you are considered fat.

I think honestly that genetics do play a role in my fatness. I played every sport imaginable from grade school to college and still was never thin. I was "healthy" though...and I miss that feeling. Now I feel a pain somewhere and think Oh crap...is that arthritis? am I having a heart attack? Will I be in a hoveround by the time I am 40?

Which honestly with all the surgeries I have had is probably not out of the question if I don't get this weight off. I had 3 ankle surgeries in middle school, reconstructive knee surgery after highschool graduation, and a diskectomy in my middle 20's while pregnant with my first son. I know it doesn't sound believeable, but it is true. I obviously already have joint issues (not to mention I only have one kidney). It is funny to me how in my 20's I never gave much thought to my health...I wanted to lose weight for vanity reasons. But now that I am in my early 30's...I am struggling with the thought that today could be the day that being morbidly obese could possibly kill me.

I have about 115 lbs to lose to be the smallest I have ever been. The smallest I have ever been was 150lbs and that was after much starvation and pounding the pavement 2x a day for 3 miles at a time. Yeah I know, where did that energy go? But alas, it was a very unhealthy way to lose weight. Since that time, I could lose about 30lbs but not keep it off. It has been a vicious cycle for so many years that I feel like a dog chasing his tail. You keep going and going but never quite actually get any where worthwhile.

Anyway, this is the time for change in my life...my thirties will not be spent dieting and getting no where. I want to live and I want to have fun...I think I have already waited to long for this.