All right, here we go. I have gone through the whole process of appointments and paperwork and insurance. I am on day 1 of the liquid pre-op diet. I have 9 days of protein shakes and clear liquids and 1 day of only clear liquids and then SURGERY. Yesterday was my last day of normal food and all. And it hit me really hard yesterday what I am doing. I was very emotional for most of the day and in the afternoon I just cried for awhile. I realized that everything was about to change - big time. I felt like every McDonalds I passed or Taco Bell I saw just reminded me of everything I was giving up. I felt like time was up and I didn't get enough time to say goodbye to all the foods I'd never eat again. My husband pointed out that no where does it say I'll never again eat a cookie, but it didn't feel that way yesterday. And yesterday I bought some snacks, etc to eat and I didn't get to finish it or whatever. So now today I am currently watching my husband eat a Drumstick ice cream cone and I want to cry and kill him at the same time. I am so hungry. And I had a Carnation Instant Breakfast earlier and whatever. It didn't taste bad, but it smelled bad to me and I had to hold my breath when I took a sip. And then I still felt a little sick when I drank it - psychological I know but still, I felt like gagging. So I am about to sit down to my beef broth and just keep thinking that this is really freaking hard. And I am at the start. I have lots more of this.

Yesterday when I was crying to Patrick (my husband) I was telling him that this was scary and hard and it sucked that I had to give up so much. And he said that he thinks I have a very emotional relationship with food that I am not willing to acknowledge. I think he is full of it. I AM more emotional about food than he is - although he is very detached from food. He really doesn't care much about it at all. He eats leftovers COLD for lunch. He really has been hungary and eaten gross stuff (military) so he does not really care one way or the other. So I feel that he sees my attachment to food as way more of a serious issue than it actually is. Since he has NO attachment to food, he sees any attachment as unhealthy. Now, I'm not saying that I have a super healthy attachment to food or anything, but I truly feel that my weight issues have much more to do with other health issues (I have PCOS, thyroid problems, etc.) then all eating habits. Again, my eating habits have to change and I am going to do that, but I just don't feel that eating fast food three times a month is "eating that greasy, terrible food all the time" and him saying that is a bit of an exaggeration. Not that he is exaggerating - he really feels that we eat bad food all the time. And given that I am the only one who cooks, that basically means that I am always making terrible food for us. Which just isn't true. If it were, the rest of the family would be overweight and unhealthy, which they aren't. Anyway, I feel frustrated - I don't even know how to break it down further than that.

Another issue with this, is that it feels like it is really hard right now and I have no idea of my final goal. So, as my husband would say, it feels like it is all squeeze and no juice at this point. And because that end goal of me being thin and all that it entails is so surreal to me, I might as well be focusing on the idea that if I go through this now, in a year horses will fly. I have a much easier time going though hard stuff when I have a clear end goal. But that end goal is so unclear and fuzzy that it makes this part harder.

Finally, my family is thin - every single one. My husband is tall and slender as are both my children. (which is another indicator to me that my weight has less to do with what I eat and more to do with hormones, etc - given that I prepare everything that they eat and I only eat what they do.) So it feels like it just further drives home the idea that there is something WRONG with me that just isn't with them. They all can eat anything they want and as much as they want. I am jealous that I have to go through this to attain what they all have with no effort and no compromise. It isn't their fault and I wouldn't want anything else for my kids - god forbid they ever had to deal with this crap like I do - but it is still there, that little monster in my head that resents their ability to just eat and live and be healthy and thin when it is always such a difficult struggle for me.

Well, this is the start of my journey and they say the hardest part to a difficult journey is the first step. I am really feeling that right now. I am hungry and emotional and cranky and want to cry. Who cries and wants to scream at their family because they can't have a cookie? Maybe there is more wrong with my feelings about food than I want to admit - I just don't know anymore. Well, I am going to go eat my broth and try to ignore my rumbling stomach and not cry. We'll see how that goes. :biggrin: