Well, I called the office and made all my weightloss appointments and my psych evaluation appointment. The last weightloss appointment will be December 1st! That is kind of exciting as it will be a birthday present to myself (Dec. 3rd). My hope is to have my surgery over the winter break from school. I am going to focus my energy on that.

I think in the interim I am going to process the me that I currently am. I want to be able to look back in a year..two years... and remember how far I have come and what it felt like to be here so I never forget and so I can help others with their journey.

Why am I here? How did I get here... again...

About 15 years ago I weighed in excess of 300 pounds and I starved myself down to about 150. When I say starved.. I mean starved. I put myself on 500 calories or less a day and in a year, I lost half of myself. As soon as I stopped starving..of course.. the weight began to creep back on.. it took a long time.... and here I am back at 300 pounds. I have tried for the last couple of years to get motivated to lose the weight again. I lost 35 pounds on weight watchers last year and I have gained back all but 15. As I struggle to lose weight for probably the 1000th time in my life, I realized something. Things are different. I am different. And I can no longer go on doing things the way I always have. I simply cannot face another "process" of losing weight where I KNOW... I KNOW ... I will gain it back. I smell food and I gain weight. Yes, I over eat.. yes.. I eat the wrong things.. but even when I don't.. I seem to gain weight or at least not lose. I am not making excuses for myself. I am here because of me. The decisions I have made or simply chosen not to make...that is the bottom line.. that is why I am here....

Life does happen and life does cause emotional reactions, but at the beginning of each and every day when I stand in front of my closet mirror and dread finding something in my closet that won't be too tight or emphasize my flabby arms... I know that ultimately... when everything is peeled away.. all the excuses.. all the reasons.. all the events...hurt...isolation...there is only me and I am the only one who can make this change.

So, I have chosen the lapband.. after much research... as my tool to bolster my resolve. This decision isn't about finding the easy way....there is no easy way... those who have struggled with weight know that.... I believe with the lapband - this time can be different because I am choosing to be different and choosing to do this for myself... for that morning in the not so distant future where I don't avoid staring at myself in the closet mirror until the last moment...where choosing what to wear will be the best and not the worst part of my day... where I can smile at the woman staring back at me and not necessarily be free of the demons that my weight tried to bury, but coexist peacefully...both knowing they are a part of me.

The process continues.... thanks for reading...and please drop me a line.. I would love to be a support.

Good morning KJ... I am getting ready for work and playing on this computer and read you blog. I just wanted to stop by and say congratulations!! We are all doing something for ourselves, finally and should be very proud (lapband sisters and brothers unite!! haha). I am getting my surgery July 30th and it can't get here soon enough! Keep your positive attitude! I will look forward to reading your blogs. (isn't ollie great?!) Angie

Angie - thank you for the kind words of support. I am so excited for you and your July 30th band date. I hope you will let me be a support to you on your journey. Congrats and I'll be rooting for you!

KJ