Monday I met with my PCP. After much discussion of my chart and good ol' Cigna, we came to the conclusion that I will probably need to weigh-in for 3 more months. Even though she has appointments with me dating back 2 years and me being substantially overweight each time - Cigna will probably want to see 6 consecutive months. But we don't know for sure and I have asked the surgeon's insurance biller to advise me.

In any case, my doctor said I was (finally?) at a BMI of 41, something Cigna sees as good reason to approve the surgery. So, assuming I have another 3 months to go, I need to keep this weight. That's right no dieting, folks. Isn't this what we all dream about?! Go ahead, eat whatever you want, you simply *must* if you want this covered under insurance. UUUGGGH, I feel so terribly gigantic. Every aspect of physical movement is embarassing and makes me self-conscious. I simply have never been so heavy, so it is hard to be comfortable, in my head AND in my body.

I have decided not to tell my friends and family. My husband and daughter, yes...and one friend who is a good secret keeper. But I just don't want the judgement and opinions of anyone else. They are all lifetime thin people who just don't 'get it'. Or they are jerky judemental fat people who think I don't try hard enough. (Yeah, because they have obviously tapped into this will power, right?) So my friends and family see me and my hugeness and they are concerned. They ask "so, are you working out lately" or the even more obnoxiously ambiguous, "Is everything *OK*?" I hate not being able to say, "look, I know I'm huge right now, but this fatness could mean 10,000$ for me towards surgery that will make me LESS fat". Yes, it is completely effed up. Let's thank the insurance companies for that.

"Oh you need back surgery? Well, we need you to bend over and pick up boxes every day for a few months. You know, so we can be SURE you need the back suregery." So ridiculous.