With my renewed attitude towards my band and my journey I have been really attacking some issues and various things in my life. Durring this process I pulled out old photos of myself some from 20 years ago when I was in High school and some from less than 5 years ago when I was at my all time high of 218 lbs. I was only a bit overweight in my late teens but you can see the extra 10-15 in the pictures. I decided to up the ante in my weight loss journey and put my goal weight to 125'sh from the 140'ish it was at. This barely puts me in the healthy BMI class (i'm 5 foot nothing) at 24.4 but am not scared of heading towards that number for the first time in probably 20 years.

Soooo...to solidify my goal I went into my profile and changed my ticker and goals...after it was posted I read the numbers. When I reach goal I will have lost 93lbs. The enormity of that number left me feeling as if I had been socked in the stomach. For my height that is an entire another whole person that I have been tugging and trudgeing along with in life. I also recognized the other numbers....I have lost 57 lbs....and only have 36 lbs left to go. I am almost dumbfounded at the impact those number are having on me at this moment.

I want to cheer for my success and cry for my letting myself get to where I was. It freaks me out that I can honestly think about wearing sleak sexy clothing that I used to envy. I no longer have an excuse.

What a head trip my past has played on me. I feel free of many demons and for some reason it terrifies me. Is it because I now am willing to accept full responsiblity for my life and my actions where as before I didn't and would blame on anything I could?

"I want to cheer for my success and cry for my letting myself get to where I was."

I am so with you on this. I am just beginning to think that the goal I set for myself is not low enough. I think I would be short changing my body/life to not at least try and set the goal lower.

Thanks for putting word to my feelings.

Amanda