I've been saying for several weeks now that the food bender is over. It wasn't, but I believe that if you say it enough, it becomes true. I meant it every time. And finally, it is TRUE! I am officially back on track, my loves.

I read this LBT Mag article about guidelines for the band, and boy I really have been flinging myself off the band-wagon. I've been drinking while I ate. I'd eat too long. I'd eat emotionally. I'd tell myself I need the calories but then eat too much of it. But it's all good. The positive in this situation is:

a. I never stopped trying

b. I was honest with myself when I fell flat on my face. I think I just enjoyed eating for a while.

c. I never blamed the band, or anyone. I knew it was my issue.

d. The band actually saved me from gaining any weight.

I'm pretty happy with how I handled the last month. Pre-banding, I could never have gotten through it without self loathing, disappointment in myself, and maybe blaming my band for being "broken." Again, I will say it a million times, I am so thankful for this little silicone belt of love on my belleh. :thumbup: It is a welcome friend. It's doing it's job, so I will do mine...by always being willing to look to see how I'm contributing to the problem.

Interestingly enough, the first time my weight loss stalled for 6 months, it was indeed the band's fault...I'd gotten unfilled accidentally. We thought there was a leak, turns out there's no leak in my band, but for 6 months I was completely empty and didn't realize it. It was over a year after I'd gotten the surgery so I wasn't going for monthly visits. I survived. And I'm alive to tell the tale, and I've still lost weight after it.

I'm beginning to think that I'm experiencing all these setbacks, extra-long-shortcuts and such just so when i get to the end, I can really help new bandees (something that gives me complete joy) with all kinds of setbacks. Look, this isn't your only shot. It isn't the answer to all your problems. This is a hell of a leg up, though.

I think in order to be successful with the band, you just have to surrender. Surrender your ego with whether you have willpower or not, surrender your guilt with food, your shame of your body, surrender your expectations of "when" you will have your new life to lead. Your new life started when you made the decision. It's gonna take years to deprogram yourself. So why beat yourself up if you eat a damn cookie? You're just prolonging weight loss. Maybe you should ask why you went for the cookie. I have, many times...and I am slowly understanding myself. If I fall down again, I will get right back up.

Cause I ain't ever going back to where I came from, and that fact alone is enough to make me weep with joy.

So the bender. It has actually resolved now. Here I am, not drinking with my lunchtime meal and I've gotten about 4 cherries and 1 whole pecan down. And here I sit and wait, for the food is experiencing a traffic jam in my neck. I want to drink. I realized just now that all this time I have been drinking. Even small sips of water to "mush up" the food is making it go down faster. It crept up on me...maybe a sip here and there if I'm eating bread (oh yeah, she eats bread, she loooooves food) and now it's insinuated itself without me knowing. And we go back to "conscious eating" again. It's the damned unconscious eating that seems to get me time and time again. The only thing to do is just keep going back to the basics.

My band is also still too tight. I will give this a month or two, because every band has a cycle of restriction when in the body. If I am following all band rules and am eating this little, I'm getting an unfill. I'm at 4.1 in a 4.0 band, and I was previously at 4.4. yes, I've been overfilled. Didn't know that!

As a side note, it's a weird feeling to be full at the top of my stomach, and be uninterested in eating another cherry, and then feel my lower stomach growl, even though it's faint.

Seriously, I still love my band :tt2: Where else can you get this ability to make the right choice? I am losing the weight. The band's just taking the crazy voices away in my head who want Peanut Butter Kandykake ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner :thumbup:

Which, by the way, if you want to fling yourself off the band-wagon once in a while, is a COMPLETELY satisfying way to do it.

Not that I'm endorsing it :sneaky:

but I enjoyed it. And that time is now over.

189, here I come!!!

Thank you!!!