6-8-08, 257, 14 pounds lost

I thought I'd record some thoughts about a typical, fun-filled summer weekend's worth of activities in my life and how they have changed (or not) post-band.

My husband and I are extremely social creatures, and in the summer time we are constantly entertaining, hosting parties, etc. This weekend was typical for us: we planned a gathering for 30 or so friends at a local bar to celebrate my husband's birthday on Friday, and on Saturday we co-hosted a huge going-away party for a close friend. We had 5 overnight guests and one guest dog staying in our house to attend all the festivities this weekend.

So, hmmmmmmm, how has the band changed how I normally would have behaved in such situations?

Well, on Thursday I went to the grocery store to lay in a supply of what I call "hospitality foods". I'm a southern girl, and we're all about hospitality, and I think when you have overnight guests you ought to be prepared to feed them something, even if most of your meals are going to be out somewhere. So I always make sure I have lots of snacky things to put out in little bowls, in case people are arriving from road trips at various times and are hungry, etc. I got nuts, fruit, cheese and crackers, some dark chocolate m&m's, tons of bottled water, flavored and unflavored, and lots of stuff to make a big protein filled breakfast on Saturday morning. I bought all the things that I normally would have gotten. The difference is that I wasn't "excited" to put them all out so that I myself could begin to eat them with all abandon! The fact is that I'm sure this is just a license to eat with no guilt that my stomach has tricked my brain into issuing whenever there is company in town! It was really nice to feel freedom from this. I still reached my hand into the bowl with the nuts a few times over the weekend, but I didn't partake every time I walked through the kitchen as I normally would have.

On Friday night at the bar, I normally would have abstained from all food until the end of the night, when all the cocktails had gone to my head, at which point I would have devoured half of the mini burgers and chicken wings my husband ordered at 1am. OR, when the whole gang went to the 24 hour diner at 2:30am on the way home from the bar (lest you should worry, my sister-in-law was the designated driver after this drink-fest) I normally would have ordered eggs with cheese, sausage, hashbrowns, maybe a side of grits, a biscuit or some toast with strawberry jam - you get the idea, the whole 3-egg heart-attack-on-a-plate special. And I would have eaten probably 3/4 of that. Plus an enormous diet coke to wash it all down. However this Friday, I ordered a grilled chicken breast and 2 scrambled eggs with cheese. I ate about 4 bites of the chicken and about 3 bites of the eggs.......and, I was done. I wouldn't necessarily say that I felt really decidedly full. I felt like I COULD have eaten more, but I didn't feel COMPELLED to keep eating and eating the way I always felt before. I felt more in control. Now, I don't know if this is real freedom? I really can't tell yet if this is just the normal I'm-doing-really-well-on-this-diet honeymoon feeling that I've had so many times before, which always drops out after a month or two at the most? Perhaps I've just tricked myself into believing that I don't have the compulsion to eat and eat and eat the way I used to? I mean, I'm DELIGHTED that I feel this way, and don't feel so powerless in front of plate of yummy food like before.........but I still don't trust that this sense of control that I have is real. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's the best way I can articulate it right now.

On Saturday at the going-away bash for our friend, there was a TON of yummy food that I was really looking forward to. Tons of chips and dips, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, bratwursts, and chicken from the grill, homemade coleslaw, baked beans, mac and cheese, and potato salad, freshly baked brownies, a huge sheet cake with buttercream icing, etc.,etc. My old MO would probably have been to put together a plate with a cheeseburger on a bun, a bunless hot dog, a piece of chicken, and some of aaaaallll the side dishes. Then I probably would have eaten a couple of brownies on my past the food table at a later point in the evening. Then I would have had at least one piece of cake, and probably finished my husband's piece too. And every time I passed the food table I would have gotten a handful of chips. Every time I passed the table. Every.time. Post band, my plate consisted of a bunless cheeseburger, a spoonful of coleslaw, a spoonful of mac and cheese, and a spoonful of potato salad. I actually ate about a third of the cheeseburger, two bites of coleslaw, and one bite each of the beans and mac and cheese. I gave the rest to my husband. And I didn't feel deprived at all. I also didn't feel guilty for eating carbs. I thought I might have a brownie later, but I never got around to it. I actually FORGOT about wanting to eat a brownie. Unheard of. I did eventually cut a serving of cake into fourths, and ate about 3 bites of it. It was scrumptiously delicious, and I began to feel a little out of control.....so, I threw the rest away. The rest of the night I was drinking water like it was going out of style. Well.....I shouldn't make myself sound TOO virtuous, as I WAS the designated driver, and it was about 103 degrees in the shade.

But the point is that for once, my every move at this party was not dictated by making a pass by the food table and trying not to look like a pig while scarfing up the food that was constantly calling my name! In the past I have felt in those situations like I couldn't stop thinking about the food that I wanted to eat long enough to enjoy the party to the full extent. I can recall in recent memory being irritated that my husband (who can eat like no one's business, and who never gains weight) wasn't going back to the food table for seconds quickly enough.

Being so overweight, I always felt like I shouldn't ever act enthusiastic about eating

in front of other people. Does that make sense? I've always been envious of thin people who enjoy eating, and can openly express great enthusiasm for piling their plate high, who can openly share how much they are looking forward to tasting the cake or sinking their teeth into the ribs. As a fat person, I would NEVER want anyone to know how much I love food, because of course I would be embarrassed having anyone look at me and think -well, no wonder she's fat! But of course that's so silly, because everyone with eyes in their head can see that I'm fat. They know I haven't gotten that way by eating broccoli and cauliflower. But still I never want to go to the food table without my husband, I would never rush up to the buffet to be the first one to dig in, I would never ever go back for seconds unless my husband or someone else went first, I always refuse the offer of taking some leftovers to go at the end of the party..........

So these thoughts of how to get the food that I want as surreptitiously as possible, drawing the least possible amount of attention, would consume me. This Saturday I felt liberated from that. I felt a palpable sense of 'sheeew, thank goodness I don't have to worry about that tonight' kind of feeling. I made a plate, I ate some of each thing I was looking forward to.....and that was that. I didn't obsess and worry that I didn't get enough food, or that I really wanted 2 burgers but was too embarrassed to take them, etc., etc. ad nauseum, ad infinitum.

So, I'm counting these feelings as non-scale victories. I just hope this isn't diet-honeymoon fallacy. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and realize that I don't have as much restriction and or WILLPOWER as I THINK I do. We shall see. So far, with this band, so good.

Thanks for your post- I realy enjoyed reading it.

(When I firsy typed this short note to you.. I Typo'd..'really enjoyed EATing this'...! OMG!) Thats the effect It had on ME.. and I can relate.. to what you are describing totally..

M x

I really enjoyed reading this. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote, especially the part about being obsessed with the food and worrying that I wouldn't get enough, but not wanting others to see that I was too anxious about it. It sounds like you are doing great. I understand the fear that you won't keep feeling like this... I'm a little afraid to trust it as well. I was banded 3-1/2 weeks ago and I get my first fill on Thursday. We're on an exciting journey!