6/5/08 - 258.5, 12.5 pounds lost

Well, it's been 3 weeks as of today. I'm down 12.5 pounds. I've lost one dress size, and it is quite a boost to dig things out of my closet that I haven't worn in a while.

I'm so relieved to finally be eating regular food again - my biggest anxiety over the last 4 weeks has been trying to 'hide' the special diet I was on. The only people that know I had the surgery done are my incredible supportive husband and mother, and my two best friends. I told everyone else that I had a terrible stomach bug the weekend that I had the surgery done, and that I was just being 'careful with my stomach' afterwards. But, I know that several friends are very suspicious, as I had to eat pureed food in front of each of them at separate times.

I'm just hoping they aren't bold enough to come right out and voice their suspicions to me. If they were direct about it, I wouldn't be able to lie, I'm just no good at it! And for whatever reason at this stage of the game, I just feel like this is my own personal, private business. I suppose I'm afraid of being judged in any way....I hate the thought of people always watching every morsel I'm eating and/or making comments about what I should or shouldn't be eating vis-a-vis the band, or how much I should or shouldn't have lost by any given amount of time. I just feel like that's a whole set of frustrations that I'd like to spare myself, at least for now.

Who knows, if I'm very successful I may decide to appoint myself an outspoken spokeswoman for the lap band - but that would be much, much further down the road. I think mostly I'm afraid of failing at this, and then having everyone know that not only am I a failure at diets, I'm a failure at weight loss surgery too. I just couldn't take that. So, for now at leaast, I'm trying to be very secretive. That is SO difficult for me, because I'm an open book by nature, and I HATE lying.

Anyway, other than that, I'm trying to break my obsession with the scale. Or at least, I'm trying not to let the scale's reading each morning dictate my emotional state. I think I'll always be the kind of person that weighs every morning, because in many ways I think it keeps me accountable and is a safeguard against major backslides.

Usually, when I 'go off' of any given diet, my scale collects dust. As I'm eating whatever I want, I have no desire to see the numbers go up every day. But if I'm being 'good', then I have to see what it says every day, in some ways to reassure myself that what I'm doing is making a difference. I think what I've got to work on now is untying my emotions from the numbers - I need to be able to tell myself that if the scale goes up by a pound or two on any given day, it's OK, and it isn't the end of the world.

The week that I started on pureed food, after being on liquids for 2 weeks, the scale immediately jumped up by about 6 pounds. I freaked out, and had all these thoughts running through my head telling me that I was a failure at this already, that it wasn't going to work, that I might as well give up hope.....all that negative self talk.

But, what happened was that I got my period, and most of that was water weight, and in 4 days, all 6 pounds came off again. So then of course my head was full of positive self talk - I'm doing it, I'm going to be successful, this is working, etc.

I recognize that I've got to disengage my feelings of self worth or accomplishment from the number on the scale in the morning. I'm hoping that will get easier the further along I get in this journey.

Down a dress size already.. hold onto that thought!..

I too am a bit freaked about how to 'do' the diet in frount of workmates- but am a locum so I will start somewhere new after-(banding on 9th July).. They will just asume I was always a bit wierd ..!!- I like the tummy bug Idea though..Good luck you!!

M x