I am a very personal person. I dont tell everybody everything. I have two distinct sets of friends, my home friends and my college friends and the two rarely meet. Then there is my family, I dont tell them much of anything.

This was all working out for me until people started making things up about me.

I dont want to feel faulted for being secretive. I don't like my personal business discussed and then the result of that meeting of the mindless to be brought to my attention by strangers or even my ten year old cousin who thinks he knows everything.

I know that you cant stop people from talking about you but it doesn't make it hurt less knowing that the things they are saying are untruthful.

I had a life where anything that was different or wrong or even right about me has been used to embarrass me or hurt me. So I don't let many people in.

There are some things about me that only certain people know. It has gotten to the point where the fact that I haven't had a boyfriend means that I must be gay.

First thing that no one seems to understand is that while I do have issues with men, none of them is that I dont like them. Ive believed so long that men didnt like me. I have spent my WHOLE life so far believing that I was ugly, disgusting and utterly unlovable.

I hid under a tough image and under tons of fat. For two years in my adolescence I actually hid from the world. When my friends were dating I was in my bedroom trying not to kill myself. There is no other way to say that, its the truth.

DO I feel like I missed out? Yes. I feel cheated. I cant lie. Does part of me feel like a loser because of it? Yes. Its hard growing up thinking that no one would ever love you.

So I kept my eyes down. I gained LOTS of weight. I became the best friend anyone could ever have. I got pets. I became a gift giver. I got used to the idea of being alone. I expected to be alone. I freed myself of the notion that any man could find me attractive which made it easier to be social with the opposite sex. I tried my best not to be jealous when my close friends and family got paired up. I never offered relationship advice so as not to look jealous. Far be it from me to assume that I know anything about relationships, that would be laughable, right.

AND...I hated myself more than ever through it all.

NOW because Im losing weight and Im starting to feel good about myself and what I am capable of I see that I was reacting to a childhood and adolescence full of rejection. However, a lot of those feelings hide in my subconscience.

My real issue here is that I feel like a failure that I have never had a boyfriend. Plus now I am a laughing stock again. Everyone makes jokes either I'm a loser or I'm gay. Good times.

Its so much easier to assume that I am I the closet than to except that I'm not promiscuous like one cousin or a gold digger like another. If I where gay I sure wouldn't be in any closet. But since I'm a 28 year old virgin I have to be in there behind the coats.

With no religious reason for being a virgin I'm all fucked up. So many of the people who know I'm a big ole virgin have told me, "oh yeah its better that way, I wish I had waited". BTW I find that completely patronizing (so please don't offer up any of that bullshit).

So what? I get to call myself a late bloomer? But while I do so I also get to be the big old joke. This my friends is why I haven't told anyone anything till now. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes a bit, I'm still learning my worth.

I don't know why I'm spilling guts on here but...those are my intestines and my banded stomach

Im a closeted virgin. Funny.

Holy smokes, Chocolate. I'm figuratively putting my arms around you right now and giving you a hug.

Behind everything you said what I hear is that you need love and respect. Am I close?

You deserve to be loved and cherished and certainly not made fun of. (Who is making you the "joke" anyway? I hope not your friends.)

I love affirmations. Something like "I have a wonderful new relationship that meets my needs."

And your needs could be anything: respect, romance, faithfulness, playfulness and maybe just plain old getting your rocks off.

Hang in there, girl.

Devan, thanks for the support. Ive been working really hard to prove to myself that I deserve respect. What angers me is the total lack of respect I am being given.

I will definately try that affirmation, even if it just works to attract some respect from the people around me.

Hey Chocolate. I want to say that I feel your pain. When I dated, and pathetically I used online dating services, instead of trying to meet people in real life, because I got to pretend for a little while that guys were interested in me for my mind or for who I was. When I met them in person they would offer either pity sex or ask for me to do things for them without being willing to return the favor. Im not sure which was worse. Or that I felt like that was the best I could get. Thank goodness for life intervening. Im now happily engaged. If it happened for me. I KNOW IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU!!! How brave are you to put yourself out there. You rock! Any guy would be the luckiest man on earth to get you! YOU ARE SEXY!