I have had this love affair with food since I was little. I can remember eating to much or wanting to eat more since I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I'm trying to figure out just why I love food so much. I learned to cook when I was only 7 or 8 and I think I just loved the praise that I got. I don't remember being told that I was loved or being good at anything. I think I praise I got from cooking and it took over my life. I have always done a good job of cooking. I love to bake and I love to cook for a crowd. I don't cook much anymore since its just my husband and me. I miss that alot. I have always ate to fill that hole that is never filled. I think I have used food all my life to get that feeling of of love. I don't think I have every really felt love by anyone. I know that my husband has stay with me, but down deep I always felt 2nd best. He is not very open with his feeling and never says I LOVE YOU. He always says I should know that he loves me. I have tried to explain to him that the words make me feel good. So if he ingores my feeling just how much does he really love me ? I know that I was told very young that my mother only had me because my dad wanted another baby. I always tried to buy things for my parents in hopes that the would love me best. I always knew that my mothers farovite was my sister and my dads was my brother. My oldest brother was deaf and was alway hard to deal with and I think my dad always felt like he was not good enough, or maybe he was ashamed of him so the was never the farovite of my parents. My mother always over did with him trying to make up for his disablity. He was away at school when I was little and I did know him very well, he was home in the summer only. I don't know if this will help, but I have to put some of these thoughts down so I can begin to understand why I eat so much. Most of the time I feel like a failure and again I'm failing at losing weight.

I did go to the y this am and walked for 15 minutes. This is really good for me. I got a bathing suit and I'm going to try water arobics for people with arthritis. I hope tomorrow I will have enought nerve to actually put that suit on and get in the water. I don't think I can go for 1 hour, but will try to do it as long as I can. I have to start somewhere and my knees hurt so much. I read all the time how much better peoples knees feel after losing weight. I just have to do this, I want to do this.