Its really funny how even though my body is shrinking my mind isn't. I can really explain the headwork that is being done any better that that.

I perceive my body getting smaller but my mind is struggling to wrap around the fact that I am not 344lbs anymore. For instance, I practice the power of attraction and when I am trying to visualize my ideal weight/size/appearance I see my body as I intend it to be, BUT the closer the visualization gets to my head the less I believe the picture and the more distorted it becomes. :rolleyes2: Weird.

In fact, the visualization becomes cloudy when I try to get a clear picture of my face or upper body being thinner. This is weird because I am not top heavy at all, I am quite the hour glass figure. But before the weight loss I thought I was top heavy, my large breast and torso fat were hiding my curves.

I have had a hard time accepting myself smaller. The big # milestones freak me out and send me into subconscious self sabotage patterns.

Ive been at 273 for about 2 months partly because the 260's are frightening. It all makes me realize how attached to my big girl image I am. Talk about addicted to misery. I hated being fat, I still do but it was all I knew for just about my whole life.

I was a fat kid, a fat teenager and a fat adult all the time hiding from this or that. As the shy nerdy child of checked out parents and the lonely and LIVID teenager of those same parents I ate to quiet the teasing and to confirm the feelings of not being good enough. As an adult I am still struggling with feeling like I am good enough and that I deserve to be loved and respected.

Ive accepted myself at 260lbs. So now I can focus on getting there. Ive made a lot of progress this last couple of months and one of the most important realizations I have made was that I must accept myself in a smaller package before I can manifest it.

Normally I would never post something this revealing and while part of me wants to backspace this whole page, I wont. I didn't intend on writing most of this but apparently it needed to get out. I'm a borne writer so I should know that sometimes writing it out helps me work it out. but thats another can of worms.

Who knew it wasn't all about the food.

I too have felt the same way most of my life. Morbidly obese since I was 10. My Dad used to pick dinnertime to let me know I was fat and should do something about it. I did. I just shoveled more into my mouth! My identity has always been tied to the weight. There's Katja, you know the big girl. Not the witty one or smart one. And I always loved "You have such a pretty face, it's a shame you aren't thinner". Sound familiar to many of you? I stopped getting on the scale when I hit 306. I don't think I got much heavier than that, thank goodness. I was banded at 277 pounds. I am now down to 228. It's been an amazing journey, learning who I really am. And you know what? I like me. I really like who I am becoming. Being acknowledged for what I do and not what I look like. Being more confident.

I am so very glad I got banded.

I can totally empathize with you. I have been heavy all my life except when I was seven. I weighted 150 in the fifth grade and just went up from there. I weighed 250 pound in HS. I gained 65 pounds right after HS. My highest weight was 350+; I don't really know because my scale did not go past 350. I lost about 75 to 85 pounds twice and just gained it back after receiving many compliments and started getting noticed by men more often. I am doing ok since I have had my LB. today I was a bit annoyed with my sister because she says that it is very noticeable that I am loosing weight again and wanted to know how much I have lost. I did tell her the first time she asked or the second. she called me the third time and asked I am not sure why it bothered me, but I still refused to tell her. Anyways, she got mad and hung up. I believe I am ready to lose weight. my personal goal is to get to 250-230 and my Dr's goal for me is 160 lbs. that goal seems to be so unrealistic for me because I have never been there. I know what kind of attention I get when I lose 80 pounds just imagine -170 pounds...EEKS.!

I can totally relate to the visualization issue. I can totally see my body thinner and the size I want it to be - the way I want it to look, however when I get to my face, I just can't see her. I think my face is huge - huge double chin, big cheeks, etc. I just can't seem to picture how my face will look thinned out.

So many tell me that I don't have a fat face, but I refuse to believe them. Your blog has inspired me to really focus on the changes that are happening and going to happen in my face.

I've never really known 'me' as a thin woman. I'm desperate to meet her.

Thanks for sharing your struggles and emotions. Congratulations on the weight you've lost. It's quite the journey, isn't it.

Thanx everyone so much for your kind words. I knew when I wrote this that most of us go through this kind of thing but it is such a hard thing to describe. I needed to get the weirdness of it all out.

Its all new territory for me and its nice to know that Im not the only one feeling this way.