Thursday, April 17, 2008. So how important is this to me, really? I saw my doctor, and I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't get it. I guess I was hoping she'd submit a referral for the surgery. What she said was that she wasn't sure how much Pacificare would pay for, that she could refer me to surgeons but she didn't think anyone at the medical center where I see her had experience with bariatric surgery, and we both agreed that it would be best to have someone who knew what they were doing. It's not that she wasn't supportive, but she wasn't as happy as I thought she would be, and she was the one who brought it up during my last visit. She did agree that it might be the best way for me to go, but she also encouraged me to talk to my therapist about behavioral modification. I almost feel that she wants me to try other things before I decide on the lap band or maybe she'd rather I do something else altogether. It just seems like she should be more involved, to me. I told her about going to OA, but not my entire weight loss struggle, or journey, or whatever you'd call it. Maybe she can only submit requests to my IPA, maybe it's because I'm scared, and that's why I'm letting her reaction bother me. I don't know how to explain to someone who's never been there, that I need something that's going to give me portion control. Sometimes, yes, I can have a piece of something, but most of the time that ain't hapenin. Chewing gum, drinking water, not buying the stuff doesn't work with, as my doctor said, any consistency. I feel like just giving up. All this time I've been researching, and now--just like that!--I give up? Did I really want it? I felt some excitement, and hope, too. I was seeing myself thin. I have the names of two doctors, one has been banded, the other, I know, offers free seminars. I wrote down the address and phone numbers. I just assume Pacificare won't pay. Do I want to?

What a sorry son of a bitch I am! I went to the vending machine at work, because I just had to have something sweet. Thinking I'd bought three packages of Oreos, and it turned out I had three packages of corn nuts! One of my co workers bought them from me because she loves them, and I got my Oreos, but jeeze! what atrip!

I've just eaten two. It's no problem for me to eat twelve cookies just like that! There's a song by a singer-songwriter with the title, "Look Within." I know as I'm crunching down on those suckers that even though they taste good, I'm trying to erase feelings? Looking for instant gratification? I guess I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I want to scream. I wish I could be satisfied with one cookie, or a piece of cake or pie.

Well, I'm still going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Something just won't let me do otherwise.

Debbie