Issues, Issues, Issues.

Food, I hate food, I love food. Food is the worst abusive boyfriend I have ever had. Albeit the longest boyfriend I have ever had.

My band is tight, I have GOOD RESTRICTION. I can’t stop myself from eating until the food is gone, or until I am uncomfortable. If it’s in front of me, I have to eat it. I have resolved that I should get the food away from my face whist I am trying to make this change. In order to do that, I do a variety of things. If I am eating at my desk at work, and there’s more food than I should eat, I pour water or tea over the remaining food, and throw it away (don’t ask, yes, I have to ruin it before I throw it away).

When I first had my band, I didn’t have these issues, I wasn’t tight enough to have them, I could eat however I liked, and I didn’t lose a lot of weight. I still haven’t lost a lot of weight, but I am trying my hardest to make the best choices when it comes to food.

Since the tightening of the band, (I am now at 5.7 CC in a 10 CC AP band) I have started drinking. A lot. Like, every night, and if I don’t drink every night, I am thinking about drinking every night. Drinking has caused me to make some very stupid mistakes, and hurt myself even further.

I don’t understand, is it not knowing your self worth that makes you want to hurt yourself, why do we sabotage ourselves? I just want to be free of all these addictions, and be able to breathe again. I can’t quit smoking, I can’t quit eating, I can’t quit any of it. Sometimes, I wish I could just go on disability and live in a nut house for a few weeks to help myself center again. I feel an emotional distance from God, from my family, from my friends. I make incredibly stupid choices sometimes. I feel out of control.

Its strange, to honestly consider joining one of these programs to get your life straight. Having said that, I do have a good job with good insurance and an understanding boss. I have all of those things. If I feel like its necessary, why don’t I JUST DO IT. Mostly because of the social stigma, maybe it’s that it will make me feel like a failure.

I don’t want to drink anymore. Sometimes, I think, okay, maybe I just need some talk therapy, sometimes, I think, okay, maybe I should detox my body and go on a 30 day juice fast to connect with God. Sometimes I think I just lack will power and I need to knuckle up and deal with it.

The fact is that I NEED help, and that’s the most important thing. I guess today I will be making an appointment with a talk therapist. Maybe I just need to go to the freaking support group meetings that the WLS clinic offers.

Christ, I feel completely confused and totally out of my element.