Okay, so I went and got another fill, right?

Awesome, restriction. I can finally not eat a whole plate of food. My band is TIGHT in the mornings, which is fine. I'm not too worried about that.

Still chugging along with the crab meat breakfast. The protein sticks with me all day, on the plus side, on the negative side, all my co workers hate me because they say the crab meat stinks. It probably does. Sorry guys, doing this for me. I normally eat one packet, which is actually 3 servings, breaks down to 145 calories and 30 grms of protein, how can you beat that?

Then about 3 hours later, a peice of fruit, followed by a some baby carrots or something a few hours after that. Protein for dinner with some veggies.

This is the longest I have managed to be on a 'modified eating plan', which is what i am calling it, because if you say diet, I take off running in the other direction.

I have lost about 30 pounds. I have a new goal, I want to lose 40 more pounds by 4/22. I KNOW this is lofty, but I also know that I havent been giving this surgery or the lapband my all up until about 2 weeks ago. I wasnt ready to get rid of my friend. I miss food. How stupid, right?

Let me make this clear, I hate food. I hate being worried about it, I hate thinking about it. I hate feeling fat, I hate being fat, so I guess the question is, how far am I willing to go outside of my comfort zone to change it.

I woke up at 4:45 this morning. I had my alarm set to get up and work out. I had to lay in bed for a second and ask myself, how commited are YOU to your fitness goals? How badly do YOU want to lose this weight. How much does it mean to YOU?

So, I got my ass out of bed, and did the Power 90. I am not ready to join a gym yet, I am still too self concious. It makes me nervous, and I feel like most gyms are just meat markets for the skinny anyway. I know I should be able to ignore that, but I cant, not yet anyway, so I am going to continue working out at home until I have made my goal of 40 pounds by 4/22, then I will join a gym.

Lucky for me, I have my friend Ray who really supports me. My relationship with Ray is causing me alot of strife that hes not aware of, that I dont want to drag him into. Its kind of a running joke, everyone at work thinks he really likes me, and that he wants to date me. He says he does not, and I believe him. We are just super duper close. Besides, even if I DID want to date him, hes already slept with my exroommate and I dont do sloppy seconds.

In either case, I am worn out and tired today. I have my yearly employee evual today, and I dont really want to do it. I dont know if I am going to be getting a raise, I probably will. Its never much, but everything helps, right?

All and All, I feel very positive about my surgery, and I feel very positive about what direction I am headed in life.

I am a little worried about my situation with the anti depressants. I have been on cymbalta and wellbutrin for about a year and a half now. Its not working the way it used too. My doctor wants to move me to an antidepressant patch, its supposed to be really strong, which is great, but sometimes, anti depressants make me feel like a crack head. Its like, if I dont take it for a day, I get all dizzy and pissy and mean. Sometimes, I wish I had never started taking them at all. Having said that I know they are the major reason I have been able to hold down my job. So thank God for that.

-A

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