WOW

I was amazing.

I had no idea It could be this way.

I DONT know yet, how much the Steroids are affecting me.. OF course they are alot..

BUt..I am hopefull Its NOt all the steroids.. That would be a SHAME>

PLUS.. I am gonna be asking for some for daily use.. Not near this amount.. like 10 ml a day. I will skip some days and go for it on others.

Here is the list of AMAZING things I did.. THAT I NEVER DO..

THAT were IMPOSSIBEL TO DO.

I drove with out adequate emergency money. On bad tires and a car that overheats sometimes.. hundreds of miles, in the night, no cell, with only a 13 yr old companion with no real plans set in stone.

CUZ I KNEW I COULD handle any problem that might come up, it was Go or NOt go.. I had no way to fiz these problems.. BEFORE I would OF NEVER went in a million years.. I might cause a horrific tradgic event from a simple flat tire..

Me and CRY left at 10pm on saturday night.. we drove into Tillamook then slept at the rest stop for the fun of it.

usually I would NEVER start a trip late and do something like sleep in the van right away cuz it would start me in pain that ruined me before I could even start.

I slept on the van floor on a foam pad. It was not painfull. I did not take extra pills. I did not cry and want to die. IT WAS FUN!

Everytime I sleep on any surface besides my bed.. I dont sleep, I take like 6 vicodan, I am in pain the whole time and Its HORRIFIC sufrfering I just try to deal with.. no choice.. Even though I love the idea of sleeping in the van like that in the night and the nature.. It hurt too much to be fun.

I parked at the last parking space from the toilets.

I made this choice wondering if I would move or drive closer later. I choose not to have the light in my eyes. BEFORE I would of parked as close as possible NO matter what.

I walked to the bathroom 4 times in the middle of the night.

I did not drive or park near the potty. I didnt wake child to help me.

I put on my shoes. I got my wipes. I walked fast there and back.

I opened door, got in, took shoes off I went right back to sleep.

This was alot of steroids kicking in.. but still, 4 times? totally easy each time, I mean it was effort but it wasnt like I was torturing myself. Normally I cant walk this far, I would get a ton of help from a kid and DEFINATELy driver as close to the potty as I could get. The whole ordeal of pissing at night at camp was the worst.. this was nothing. The pee freely.. WOWO

I got us up at 9am and brushed teeth and cleaned the van. Put on makeup and got all ready. I did this the whole trip EXRTRA well.. WE both looked good and were clean all but one day. The VAN too.

This is usually so important to me but something I never am saticfied about. It ruins trips for me mentally and I always tried to let it go cus its not whats important and I cant handle it all.. I was totally happy with us.. Ii was proud to walk around and I felt good, not like a scum.. WONDERFUL.

I went into the Jiffy mart like 10 times and got stuff and paid myself and carried stuff.. I went in many times alone. I only sent CRy in alone a few times. Normally I may go in once.. and never again. Its how I save my energy. I want to go in.. But I just cant make the trip if I do.

I bowled a whole game by my self, never had anyone talke a turn for me.

I have always had kids take my turn.. Prolly my first whole game in 10 yrs.

I put two cans of oil in my van all by myself. I bought them too. ALL me.

I would have the gas people do it. OR I would have a kid help.

I held the air pump for crystal and was activily involved in keeping the tires inflated. Same with the fix a flat can, and checking for leaks.

I wouldnt have dealt with all this, I would not of made the trip. It would of been too much trouble and too much to do and not manageble.

I went in and bought a newspaper in forrst grove by my self. I bought a few papers. I read three papers (all of them) and I took numbers of APt.

I would of not read them all. I may of skipped this, I usually dont have the time or patience.

I sat in sharons kitchen chair for like an hour without dying.I was able to go in and be comfortable and not worry and feel so pitifull and viset.

Going to sharons is always hard cuz she wants to show me things and lots of times sitting is not the option or the sitting isnt good for my back at all.. her place is not cripple friendly and I am not comfortable telling her how I am ready to faint and my back is feeling explosive,So its always hard trying to manage and not look like a loser.. I didnt really want to know how bad I felt. ya know..

I stood up and used sharrons phone for a quic call and didnt have to sit. Twice. I stood over her desk and made phone calls.

I would have to sit to even think before I could even dial before. She noticed this and tried to accomodate me to sit not realizing I was choosing to stand.. I never noticed her being tune to my needs before but I guess she was.. I am glad to know she recognized how hard I had it..

I walked around the entire Shoe store. Front and back and more. I looked at lots of shoes and wondered around on my own. Plus my mom parked in a parking spot and I walked to and from the shoe store.

Normally people drop me off, I go in and sit and they come to me. I barely get it done this way. I get hot. The places to sit are not good enough.. waiting and thinking and choosing what to do as far as getting what is mind numbing.. I can barely make it to pay and back to the car. I always need help holding my hand or something.. it was hard, and my mom has no clue how it usually is.. but I would of never showed her.. I would of stayed in the car and told her I couldnt go in before I went in like a crippled freak. My parents just have no clue how bad off I am.

I took a shower at my moms, alone.

I cant even do this at home. I get help ALWAYS with something. NO one was home but me, and I just went for it cuz I felt like I could. I got my clothes, supplies, found a towl, ran the tub, washed and got out and dried and dressed and cleaned up my mess.. NOrmally all I do is get in the tub, wash, get out and dry.. everything else is done for me.

I did a load of laundry at my moms alone..

same as above.. I put it in the washer and dryer and took them out.

THIS IS NEVER EVER DONE fully by me..

I left my moms house on my own..

I took stuff out and from my van when we were at my moms.

I could of had CRy come home first to avoid being stuck with too much loose ends to tidy, but I choose to pick her up, so I had to get everything loaded and dooors locked and such on my own.. it was hard but I did it. I would of passed out before.

I walked down oceanside trail and rocks and back up NO problem. No fear. NO help and I carried stuff too. I laid on a blanket for half a day and my back was fine.. I was not hurt and didnt suffer later.

I almost never go down. If I do, someone has to hold me. Its very scarey and more trouble than its worth and I cant stay long and coming up makes me want to die and I am wrecked the rest of the day for so little..

I swam laps for almost an hour and didnt get bored or tired or stiff and loved it. I went in at 6am too.. We went twice. I took Full shower. I looked around the facility alittle. YMCA

May have skipped it, not wanting to deal with the counter lady. May have skipped the pool and only used the shower.. Never would of swam so many laps and enjoyed it. My neck and shoulders and back would hurt way before I could enjoyit.

I went into shilo store a few times alone. I filled the huge dew jug on my own. I had to get the dew jug for amber as a gift and normally I would of walked out and not filled it, cuz I wouldnt have the strengh anD I would be affraid of spilling it or not being able to manage it and just skipped it. I always have to skip things like that even if I want to do it or should do it.

We went to the cheese factory to find something for my easter exchange. I looked through the entire gift store. Then the other side of the factory too. Then stood in line and paid for my stuff. WE NEVER sat down. I did this again a few days later on a smaller scale.. NO sitting.

I usually walk in and sit down immmediately to rest. Then I sit and look and scout and I send kids to look and do things and then I get up and move here and there sitting as I go.. I make the kids pay always. Its all about getting as much as I can without fainting. Its the best I could do without missing out. I am glad to be there but its such a pain and hassle.

I went into the netarts store alone and got apple juice and had them open it.. scaled thw whole store looking for mellows.

I went into the idaville store too, went through the whole store looked at things. I went into many little stores and walked through the whole thing looking for good deals to feed and water us. I looked at misc things too.

usullally, I am in and out as fast as I can. leaning on things, asking where things are, asking them to get me things, waiting for a kid to find things, just holding on till I can get back to the car and sit again. Not able to look at anything or enjoy anything or talk to anyone in a regular way. Usually rude and curt and short with everyone and dont pay any mind to details as I am dizzy and unable to focus on anything but getting through it.

At jenns and my moms, I got my own food and drinks. I even cooked in a pan and used the microwave and cleaned up my own mess. I threw away my own trash too.

I have everyone do this for me. Its wasted energy I cant ever spare and is just so hard. I always mess up. I cant do it right. When I try its just a joke and I either go without or I ask someone or I get offers. I didnt like it at all, it was nervewracking and I rather not do these things for my self, but I COULD.. so I did a few times instead of NONE. It sucks though.

Throwing away trash isnt fun at all.. Its hard.

I went to the movies. I walked accross the street, paid the window and went right to seats in the front. The seats fit me so perfect. After I walked out NO help and back to the van, I stood and spoke to jenn by the wall about dinner plans. I enjoyed the movie start to finish.

usually, I would not pay as i would be leaning trying to keep upright long enough to get inside. I would never of parked accross the street. Someone would of had to drop me off and parked, or I would not go.

I would of got in my van asap and sat, making everyone come to me to talk or say bye or make the plans. I would be exhausted and wish I didnt go cuz my back hurt so much and my hips would be bruised, but I would grin and tell everyone I was so glad we did this.. regretting it too.

I walked around the Fish hatchey.. usually I wouldnt get out at all or I wouldnt go as far as I did. Depends.

I slept in the van at barveiw for hours really well.. even though my back was hurting. It was peacefull like I cant describe. I enjoyed it.

I could never enjoy what I should cuz of the pain.. Nothing made it OK.

At barveiw.. we parked away from the bathroom and I walked int he middle of the night to it instead of drove.

This was after many days of activity and I would be BENT and crippled by now and doing alot less.. but just like the first night.. I was still able.

I woke in the middle of the night (3am) wide awake and choose to drive to town and find a laundry matt.. I didnt get crytal to help and let her sleep. I got the laundry ready and did it all my self.. got the money and all, put the close in and everything. I had to make many trips back and forth.

I would NEVER ever do this..I COULDnt physically if I wanted to..

I usually help with laundry and liked that I could do this.. I thought the washer was broke and had to get cry to help then, but I wanted her up anyway for company.

We sat in this laundry matt, on hard tables viseting and wathcing VH1.

We changed and put on makeup and had a great conversation about running a teen youth center and low income food service and such. I folded the clothes.

Normally I would sit in the van.. I would not sit in inside and have a white trash fun time with the kids. Its uncomfortable and a strain. This was fun.

I took avery and crystal INTo mcdonalds to eat. I almost never would do this. Its too hard to order and wait and the seats are too small. I usually choose it to be easier on me than think of their comforts cuz I cant Do everything even if I CAN.. i have to pick and choose and this is one of those things I have been selfish about mostly.. not going in!

I took avery with cry to be in the hot tub at my moms. I was in charge.

I normally would not of done this cuz it would take too much effort on my part. Its not my hot tub or my house and my parents are not used to kids and I would have to be sure they were dressed and towls and behaved and quiet and DRy and didnt let the birds out and didnt harm the tub and so on and so on and its too much.. I just wouldnt try cuz I would likely mess it up and look the fool. Well, it wasnt perfect.. BUt it was doable.

My parents commented on my weight loss FINALLY.. They meant it this time. I felt proud for the first time with them and this band,.

I told them my acheivements instead of downplaying myelf.

I didnt feel like a huge blob invading their home and destroying their stuff and hurting their eyes and makeing them feel blah at the site of me and all my lame lame lamo. I usually feel huge dissapointment, (its there) and no matter how hard I try not to look so bad, and hide my lameness. I cant do it and trying so hard makes it worse. It was a vicious cycle.

I wore my black outfit with the shells that was way too small last year. and it looks fine. My mom gave me some sandles that are size 8 and they fit. My mom bought me a shirt and it was 26-28 and it ended up fitting!

The outfit wasnt wearable as it was too small all over. I havent been in any shoe under size 10 since I was 20. I never find a shirt from a real store that fits.

I slept on jenns couch, twice and it was fine.. I cant even sit on it for long its so weird and uncomfortable. She wont even sleep on it.

MY black girdle goes right on me...I have had this for a long long time and it took mass effort to put on, now pulls up like undies.

My white bra holds me in and I feel comfortable in it.. I have never been able to contain my fat around my bra.. and constantly hassled with it and never felt comfortable. It was obsessive how all I thought about was how it looked. It was impossible to contain yet I couldnt stop trying.. crazy,

wow what memories now i am like this all the time