KimInMD's Journal - My Journey

KimInMD · February 11, 2008

I'm tired, and emotionally I've been in alot of pain. My teen is really in trouble, and I have been feeling mentally exhausted. My band has been so tight last week, and it still is. Since Saturday it has been somewhat better. Well, at least I don't need a fill anymore. I've been working on stress management all weekend. Saturday hubby and I took off and spent the day antique shopping. I should say antique browsing, because we didn't even buy anything. It was just nice to give my brain a break for awhile. Sunday church service was great, and just what I needed. I swear, sometimes it seems like the sermons are written just for me. How the heck did pastor know I needed to hear that? Seriously, it really did get me thinking about how I should handle my situation.

First of all, I have to admit that I am not in control anymore. My son is 19, and legally he is an adult now. He has made bad choices, and he will have to deal with the consequences. I WILL NOT abandon him, and I will NEVER stop loving him, but I can no longer protect him. It's in God's hands now.

Next, his mistakes do not mean that I am a bad mother, or a bad person. I can look my God in the eyes right now and say with a clear conscience that I have done EVERYTHING humanly possible to help that boy. The bottom line is that HE has to want to help HIMSELF, and before now, he has not wanted the help I've tried to give him.

I will not allow the stress to cause me to overeat. He had problems when he was 16, and I overate, didn't care about myself or my appearance, and in general, I let myself be consumed by his problems. I WON'T do that anymore. The band is my tool to help me to not overeat, but I also have to make good food choices and not be self sabotaging during this stressful period.

I will not allow the situation to drive a wedge between myself and my husband. We will make all decisions in ONE accord. If we don't agree, then we will not make a move on an issue. My husband and I will not be adversaries. We will be a team. I will not let my son's problems affect my relationships with the rest of my husband, children, family or friends.

I need to press in close to God right now. He knows the whole situation. He knows it's bigger than me, and so do I. I have to lay this one at His feet, and put the faith I've claimed to have into daily practice.

It's up to me to keep my band loose. I can control it TO SOME DEGREE. I can take a walk to de-stress, or a hot bath, or just shut the bedroom door and chill out with the tv or a good book. I need to spend some time in prayer and meditation. Maybe I can scrapbook for awhile, or get out the sewing machine. Deciding on my tools to use before hand will help get me into action when I'm in the "heat of the moment".

I will NOT avoid unpleasant tasks, like making phone calls, decisions or appointments. I will face them head on, and get it over with rather than have the feeling of dread looming over my head. I may not like the outcome of the phone calls, decisions and appointments, but at least I'll know where I stand, and I can begin to deal with it all.

Having a plan gives me a feeling of being in control again, and right now, that's what I need. I can't control the situation. I can only control MY reaction to it. I'm going to give all this a try, and see how it goes.

No one wants the "bad times" to hit them, but in the course of life, everyone has some bad patches. I really don't WANT to deal with any of this, but I have to say, I have never been at such a mentally healthy place as I am right now. I know this will help me to deal with the punches as they come in a new and HEALTHY way. I CAN do this! I have done things in the past 22 months that I would have NEVER believed I could do. I can get through this too. I'm going to put one foot in front of the other, and work this out one day at a time.

Readers- The first 21 months of my lap band journey (the good AND the bad) can be found under my first blog entry titled "My Journey".