Would I be violating, if I grabbed me a handful?

hahaha, thats from an old rap song, and right now, the answer is No, you wouldnt be violating.

I read a post recently about poor eating and exercise due to stress in the personal life. It sort of hit home. My life has been sort of stressful for a while.

My roommate is techincally insane. Shes basically moved out of the apartment to live with her mother, but is still paying rent. She makes no sense to me. I dont have my own place in the apartment. I mostly stay holed up in my bedroom, even when shes not around. I hate that I pay for half an apartment, and theres no room for me, or my things. I hate that its always filthy, I hate that its always covered with toys, and other shit, old cereal bowls, blah blah blah. She stops off everyonce and a while to make a mess, bitch and me, tell me that I am her bestfriend, then she takes off again. So yeah, I gots to find a new place to live. Shes been more of a nusance than anything.

The funny thing is that she was the one who CONVINCED me to have this surgery. I agreed, she promised to look after me, and take me to the hospital and everything, and she didnt. Whatever, I guess its not important, I had the surgery for myself, not for her.

In either case, I have to find a new apartment to move into. I am not really sure where I am headed, somewhere cheap and a little questionable, or somewhere expensive and nice. I make decent money, so I dont know, I think I will probably go for affordable. I need some space, some freedom, I need to start my life over. I have been nothing but set backwards because of Roxy, and her bullshit. I just want this to be over. Moving out, thats going to be a little tricky. I dont want her ruining the very meager things that I do have.

Then of course, there is Steve. Let me introduce the players in this game. Raymond is my bestfriend, awesome dude, who is in love with Roxy, my roommate, not so awesome. Steve considers Ray to be his bestfriend.

Ray got me and Steve talking, and we sort of took it from there. I havent spent alot of time with the dude to be honest with you. Roxy starts in with Raymond bashing, telling me that Steve isnt really talking to me because Steve and I commuicate via instant messenger. Shes convinced that its Raymond is pretending to be Steve.

Basically, Roxy sees it like this; Steve cant be real because hes not attracted to fat girls. Because I'm not wicked smart, or charming, or incidentally funny. Because he couldnt possibly be interested in my brain?

Dont get me wrong, Steve knows about my surgery, and he knows about my weight. He was completely supportive. He was excited about me losing weight.

So, Roxy hurt Rays feelings, Steve got scared, and bolted, and I was sort of left standing alone in the middle of nowhere, being sad.

I miss Steve, I miss the shit out of Steve. He was sort of like an escape for me, he always was able to make me laugh, make me smile. He held my attention, he kept me focused. I WANTED to be a better person when he was around, just so he could see how awesome I was.

I dont know if thats the way he felt about me.

Anyway, apparently, this situation isnt over, because Raymond is going to talk to Steve about me, and see where things stand. I would love to date Steve, but at the same time, I am not going to throw myself at him. Men like to chase.

This discussion happens today, at lunchtime. I will not be present. I am so nervous. I just want the best possible outcome.

Beyond that, I have a little sister who is mentally deficent. Her mother is a junkie (we have the same father, differnet mothers) and I have been looking after her financially for the past few months. That is stressful on the budget.

Then of course, there is the idea that my brother is getting married shortly, and I have to shove my ass into a nice dress and look acceptable at the wedding in Boston.

Personal issues. Boooo personal issues.

How can you put all this aside, and just focus on the weight loss. How is that even possible. I am managing it the best way that I can. I'm still smoking, I cant quit, I know that my Dr said it caused errosion, I'm sorry. I'm so fing stressed out. I dont have an excuse for any of this

In fact, if I read this post, I would think, what an irresponsible person, she needs to get her life in order. Well, I am working on it. Give me a little time, a little pat on the back, and a little bit of love, I will make it. I promise.

no matter how much you ranted/raved, I loved your post...Keep them coming, they are so different from others I have read...trust me the craziness comes from not being able to eat..

Girl, I rated your journal 5 stars - I feel like you are so much like me, when I was single, I can't help but read . . . and be a bit entertained. I can't wait for you to get skinny and Steve to slobber and wished he would have hit that sooner :-)

Wendy