So, the question for today, that I am making myself think of every time I make a decision is, 'Is this bringing me closer, or farther away from my goals'

Finding healthy food is really difficult these days. Its kind of insane, I mean, you go to a resturant, and you expect to find something that is at least half way decent, and everything is loaded down with fat and calories, and all that other bullshit. I'm just going to have to accept the fact that its going to be necessary for me to bring my lunch to work. Bleh. I hate the preperation that goes into it, the cleaning up after wards, bleh.

So I guess the goal is to try to stay as low carb as possible. I havent weighed myself in weeks. I'm not really worried about weighing myself either. Having said that, my clothes are looser, but not as loose as I would like them to be. I am exercising, and I am doing my best to stay right. Stay focused, worry about myself. The fact of the matter is that I am very rarely hungry. I eat because I guess like I feel I need too, but I dont. I feel slight hunger like once a day. I keep taking those stupid protein bullets, which arent the best things in the world, but I figure they probably taste better than most of the stuff out there, and at only 3 oz, they are really super easy to get down.

I also found this new stuff called muscle milk and oats, which has 30 grms of protein per serving. I dont know how they will taste, but I figure that food really isnt about deliciousness anymore. Its more about keeping me alive and making sure I hit all my dietary requirements. In fact, most of the time, food just seems like a huge hassle, I cant eat that, thats bad for me, too much sugar, too much this, too much that. Whats the point? Give me a small plate of chicken and vegetables, thats all I want At least then I know that I wont feel guilty.

Most of the time I hit up the mall food court, because we have a few healthfood places there, my bestie Ray can get pizza or whatever he wants, corpulus amounts of chinese food stacked on a plate, making everyone around us fatter and more miserable.

I dont want to be that person anymore. Food sucks. Its not a hobby, its not a past time, its something that was killing me. Even salad becomes a task for me, I dont want iceburg lettuce, I want real greens, whats the point of iceberg? Its useless, just water, give me something with some nutritional content, pls, kthx.

The truth is that I think I have hated food for a long time. I knew that food was the cause of me being miserable, I knew that my hands shoving it into my mouth had something to do with it too. I dont like it, I dont like eating it, I am just compelled to eat. I feel guilty the entire time I am eating, I feel guilty afterwards, and the guilt pushes me to just want to eat more. Its this stupid cycle that I just want to be free of. I'm just plain old sick and tired of all this bullshit. I have no patience left for even my own excuses.

So the question for today is, Is this bringing me closer, or moving me farther away from my goal?

I know that I need to up my protein consumption, because I have been adding small little forms of exercise into my daily routine. For instance, I smoke (I know, I dont need anyone's opinion, I smoke because I want too, get off my back) and everytime I go outside for a smoke, I circle our office building twice. Thats a half a mile. I normally go out for a smoke 2 or 3 times a day. In addition, I am working the power 90 everyday except Saturday (because the program says you have to take at least one day off) and if I can force myself out of bed in the morning, I plan on taking a nice 30 minute stroll on the treadmill before I start getting ready to go to work. This so far hasnt been successful. I normally get a late start, but I found this great alarm clock that releases this shreeking noises, and it has two wheels on the sides of it, it jumps off your night stand and wheels around, you have to catch the little bugger to shut it off.

This sounds like a fantastical idea to me It might actually get me up in the mornings. :notagree

-A