Seriously, I just KICKED the top stair on my staircase. I am sitting here with ice on my damn toe thinking thoughts that are a bit more crude than OUCH.

Today was a loooong freakin day. I wasnt even thru the door at work, my time card not even swiped yet when it began... "Tomorrow:bounce:are you excited???" I give up. Then our computers go down at 7:05 am. So, I clean out my desk and bring my uneaten and not liked protein bars to a coworker 3 offices away and get stuck for 40 minutes or so explaining the lap band and how it isnt the gastric bypass. I am explaining this to 2 skinny chicks that I'd really just rather kick. The day drags on and then its lunchtime. It begins again. One full hour of not being able to enjoy my last salad and orange for a long while. Now, I know that this is all my own fault. If I had kept to my plan of not saying anything to anyone, I wouldnt have to defend/explain myself daily. But, I have a big yap. Besides, after the failed attempt at banding in November, everyone knew. So, after 5 million hugs and pats on the back, I got to go home. I am 14 hours away from sliding in to the hospital and 15.5 hours away from la-la land as the doctors once again attempt to band my stomach.

Now if only we could band my rampant thoughts. I have come to realize that no matter how much weight I lose, I will always be the fat girl. I have the "good personality." Someone told me that today... "you have such a good personality." Screw you. I developed this so called good personality because I was fat. I have told my husband that I am so tired of being nice to people. Especially people who dont deserve nice.

There is this one person in my life that is driving me insane. She downs me daily for doing this yet she bitches constantly about the weight she has gained and how she cant lose it... blah, blah, blah. Serious verbal diarrhea from her. I consider the source but I just want to yell BACK OFF BITCH. I dont. I am NICE. I may stop being nice someday but for now, I suck it up. I'd like to think that she is experiencing jealousy but I dunno.

Jealousy is an odd thing. Today, (everyone had words of wisdom) I was told that I will know when I have acheived success because other women will be rude to me. I'm thinking other women are already rude to me. Only now I hear fat bitch and later I will hear skinny bitch. Whatever.

I am off to eat my last ever kit kat as I have convinced myself that I can never have another one. That's not such a bad mind game to play with myself...