It is an official new year. whoohoo. Today, Carl and I went thru all of my old clothes. I am preparing for a new me. That sounds just so cliche. I am nervous, scared, anxious and more than ready for friday. I am sooo going to miss food. I hope to replace food with exercise. The thought scares me but I need to do this or I will die. Die. DieT. Too close for comfort. I will either die of medical problems or die from depression.. which is a medical problem but.... whatever. I cant wait to be a skinny bitch. lol. So many find that statement offensive. I guess I cant explain what it really means to me but it has no bad connotations at all.

I hope this year will be better than last year. I hope to come back out of my shell or atleast crawl out from under my rock a bit more. It just seems that the fat me doesnt want to do anything but sleep. I hope the smaller me want to go out and see the world. I am tired of being reclusive and anti-social. I hate people but thats because of how they have treated me. The collective "they" have ruined things for so many. They are done ruining things for me. I'm tired of being treated like crap cuz I am fat. I dont treat others badly because of how they look. Some people are just ignorant fools and dont deserve my kindness yet, they get it anyway.

My biggest frustrations lately are from others who are soooo critical of me and my desire to have the lap band. These are people who dont know what its like to be me. I must show a positive side of myself because no one seems to really know how miserable and sad I am. There is one girl at work who is getting pudgy but is still a stick. She is the one person I had hoped would be a support person to me and she is soooo damn critical of me and the whole thing. She keeps telling me just to lose it on my own. Yeah, like thats so easy. I lose 1 pound and gain 2 back. Whoops.. failed again, 2 more points deducted from my self-esteem. My sister-in-law was to have been a support system too but boy did she screw that one up. I have never felt too close to her and that has kinda bothered me. I was really hoping this shared experience would bring us closer together. Instead it has ripped us apart and is causing problems in my marriage. The marriage thing can be fixed. The whole thing with her... who knows. Right now, I dont want o see her at all. She claims what she said was just "words." She of all people should know that words are really what hurts the most. Wounds heal.. words stay with you forever. My brother is against this whole thing too but he has not taken the time to talk to me avout it. Shit, he thinks I am going bypass. I truly dont have time in my life to deal with negative people.

My mother says to me the other day.. "you are going to be so pretty when you lose the weight." So, being me, I ask if I am ugly now. My mother tried to remover her foot from her mouth to tell me that I am pretty now but... If she wasnt old and well, old, I would have told her what I was thinking at that moment. Which was, "way to bring me down mom." She had good intentions with her statement but it still bothers me (obviously).

My husband has been good thru all of this. He has been acting up lately though. He doesnt see that his behavior is killing me. The attitude coming from him is sooo hard to deal with right now. He doesnt realize he is behaving badly. He need to chill. I actually feel like my banding process may affect our relationship in more ways that just what is going on with his sister. He is so all about food. The second we leave the house, he is all about where are we going to eat?!. Its hard for me cuz I hate cooking so I just go eat with him and heaven forbid I make a good food decision. I dont think he is going to handle the food changes well. I hope I can resist that overwhelming temptation to go out to eat all the time.

I think I may be done venting/rambling. Friday is going to be here before I know it. I am scared. I will do this. I will be fine. I will be a skinny bitch. I will leave the house. I will take care of myself. I will say F.U. to all the ney-sayers. I will not cry. I will not fail again. I will not let myself down yet again.

You've made a good point -- there are so many other things that affect people's weight loss other than what they eat. Living with an "eater" is one. My wife was banded last March and for the past nine months, we were probably a lot like you and your husband. I wanted to eat out all the time, where it seemed like a waste of time for my wife. It's difficult but you'll find a way through it.

Don't be too hard on your mom. It's hard to know what to say people who've had (or are going to have) lapband. I've had several awkward conversations with family and co-workers, all who want to talk all about what I can eat and what I'm eating during every meal. Sometimes I feel like saying, "howzabout you worry about your food and I'll worry about mine!"

As for that co-worker you mentioned ... sad to say, but that happens. I've had some people shun me since the surgery and some people be nicer to me. It's weird, and noticable. At the end of the day all you can say is that you do the surgery for you, and f other people.