When I talked to my doctor the other day he recommended I try the web site obesityhelp.com. So I had a free minute at work and I did. Ok let me go back for a minute.

Several years ago I was told I was having panic attacks, ok we all know what that is now but when I first started having them at age 17, I am not almost 40, they were talked about much. My attacks got so bad that they were disabling. I could drive by myself and the fear of dying was overwhelming to say the least. I tried every drug out there only to become addicted to xanax. Ok lets make along story short, it took years and years of help, drug and praying to get me where I am today. I drove with my three kids from north carolina to new jersey with just some yahoo driving directions. Now for someone who could take a bath without someone being at home cause I was scared I would have a heart attack in the bath tub and no one would be there to get me out, driving up the east coast was a major victory. Now I wont lie and say never have set backs because I do. Now here is where we pick up at the beginning.

So I go onto the web site and the first thing I notice is a story in OH magazine. I click on the link and start reading. Here is a man 44 years old, just 4 years older than I, who died 2 days after having WLS. My heart broke and I was flooded with fear. I started to think what have I done, I started to smother. I smother when I get very neverous. I cant seem to get his picture or his story out of my mind. I know I have to be thankful, I am one of the lucky ones, I made it through my suregery. But to be honest I am still scared now. I sit and read all the things that people are going through and wonder am I next? I have never thought I think like a normal person. I have had so much tradegy in my life. I wonder if I will ever be normal, and what is normal?

I started my journal asking myself who I really am and my quest to find out continues. I must learn to be thankful and give thanks to God. I know I have it better than most and worse than others but I am blessed a wonderful hubsand and three healthy beautiful girls. No there is never enough money and I miss my Momma back in the Carolinas but I woke up this morning, had a roof over my head, food in the Frig, a job to go to, and freedom to worship my GOD.

For that I am thankful Lord! I fight my panic and fear back, I will not allow it to control me again. God give me the strengh I need!