Dear Diary,

It's been awhile, I haven't been on site lately. I'm trying to get back to a routine. So much has happened. I am sorry to say at my last Dr. appointment I had actually gained 8 lbs.. My Dr. was very upset with me. He said you're such a nice person don't you care about yourself? You have diabetes and you're eating sweets. You need to see the psychiatrist immediately at least 2 times. He is a bariatric specialized psychiatrist that uses a cognitive approach. I know it would be helpful but he isn't covered by my insurance and pre-op visit alone (mandatory) was 220.00

He then proceeded to give me my first fill and said no matter how many fills I get if I continue to eat sweets I won't lose weight. He had some trouble finding the right part of my port and had to keep sticking me then manuevering syringe. He finally came in at a steep angle and filled my band. He said jokingly that this was my penance for eating poorly.

As soon as I left the office--without making my next appointment ( I left quickly) and cried as soon as I got into the hall. My brother who had come with me was very worried. He asked if the doctor hurt me, I said no it was my own fault then went home and cried more.

Even though I knew I had lost control and was eating way too many sweets. Sweets are my weakness. I was still disappointed about my weight gain. I now know I should have called the office and insisted on getting a fill after 6 weeks post op. I was hungry and could eat whatever I wanted so I did.I felt like such a failure. Here I went through surgery and I'm sabatoging my efforts. My doctor believes you should postpone doing fills until you have lost as much as possible on your own, without restriction. I assume full responsibility for my hand to mouth disease. I felt like the poster girl for What Not To Do With Lapband.

Now on the bright side-- here it is almost 4 weeks later and I have lost the 8 plus 2 more pounds. I still need to call and set up an appointment but I am not letting the doc anywhere near my port. I have enough fill for now. I'm still getting used to eating post band fill. I've even vomited a few times. Soft bread and vegatables are a problem. I really have to chew carefully and limit bite size. At home I use a crab fork and take small bites. It really helps. I also use a jam spoon and that helps as well

for yogurt etc. I really have to plan ahead because I need to concentrate on getting in enough protein. Sometimes at the end of the day I will have a protein shake to up calories and protein.

I am finding that after my fill that I have really cut back on portions as well as my appetite.

I am finally seeing the light and starting to believe I made the right decision by having the Lapband.:whoo: Much to my relief. I was eating grapes this morning, 3 grapes to be exact and that was enough. I chuckled because the quantities I am eating are so small. Yet I am satisfied so I am happy. I find I am more cheerful and upbeat. I even have more of a lap for my nephews to sit on while I read to them. I have also had to buy new pants in a smaller size.

We're going to Claim Jumper for Thanksgiving and they serve huge portions, so I am taking a small cooler to store my leftovers. Leftovers from restaraunts are another thing I'm getting used to. Before I seldom had leftovers.

Well good night all. Take care and keep your chin up.:confused: