So I was kinda (totally) sad when after last nights journal entry that I weighed myself. I knew that on my recent trip to New Jersy and New York I was a somewhat indulgent with my caloretic intake but I thought that all of the walking and the humidity would have countered some of the damage. But no. Even though I experienced the worst sweating ever in my life and walked over 10 miles in four days I still gained weight. It seems like ever sinse I started looking into this surgury seriously I have been sabotaging myself. Some of it I've been aware of and some not. I really didn't expect to gain the NINE pounds that I did this last week. I about crapped myself.

In the morning the first thing I'm gonna do is call the surgeon to see if I can get in to get weighed so I can start the pre-op diet. He won't go off of any weight except ones that are taken in his office or else I would have started this sooner.

It just seems like if I'm not dieting than I am gaining weight. I am so tired of that. I am so tired of that being my reality.

Dealing with obesity is one of the hardest things in my life. I concider myself a competent person. Even as a fat A** in New York I was the last one to complain about all the walking we did. I work hard. I am smart and successful in so many areas of my life and yet I can't win when it comes to losing weight. It at times makes me feel like such a failure. I get so pissed about the headtrip that humanity puts on looks. Even after I get the band and lose weight I won't be like models that we see on magazine covers everyday. My goal weight is 180. At that weight I am about a size 14. When I was in highschool in sports and very physically active my lowest weight was 170. Sometimes it is just so frustrating and I am looking forward to getting on with this process.

Isn't it amazing the ups and downs we go through as fat people. Our coping mechanisms get us through so much hurt and pain. Granted we hide it as much as possible but it is still there. Ever feel like fat is a four letter word?

Sorry, I'm kind of a downer today. But- as always time will move on and so will I. And all of us here reading these journals and writing in them are making choices to hopefully make a change for the better. And as long as we are striving for improvement we are striving for the change that is needed. Goodnight and take care.

Tina, I read your journal for 9-3 and I am so sorry you feel this way. I completely understand, being overweight for years also, but it made me sad. I know that what I want to say to you can come off as just words, but I want you to know that you were made with a mission. God created you for a purpose and it has much more to do with you on the inside than you on the outside. Don't get too down on yourself. I fear that for so many people this surgery is looked at as a cure-all for self doubt and esteem problems. Our self worth comes from who we are, not what we look like. Chin up and find your purpose! I'm rooting for you! Jill